Denver Sports Failures = Video Game Fun

Part Deux:

There's Only One Sucktober!

[Plugged In To: The Chemical Brothers / Surrender ]

I apologize for the continued sports themes of my latest entries, but sports tends to run my life for the last half October. I swear I'll get back to the juicy gossippy-type stuff in short order. But the Rockies are in The Series, so really what else is there to talk about?

Speaking of those purple-clad suckbags... What better reward for your community of loyal fans than to make them lose at least six hours of productivity over a two day period by staring at a screen that counts backwards from 120? What better reward? How about a 13-1 bitch slapping by the team that 99% of "experts" say will win The Series.

I was in the company of many Rockies fans while watching the game and I was still embarassed. Now I get to listen to my cellie blow up to the tune of the arrogant rants of all my Red Sox friends. Joy.

All that being said, I think they take Game 2 and things go back to normal.

Great Team, Poor Taste

Over the past few weeks the Colorado Rockies have received many accolades due to their record setting run up to and thus far in the Major League Baseball playoffs. As a Rockies fan and someone who has watched this team closely all year, I feel it is my duty to point out a weakness that could lead to their downfall. The flaw is simple and it is glaring. The Rockies players' theme songs must be changed if we are to defeat the Indians/Red Sox in the World Series. It might not be easy for some players to hear, but like that time your mom made you change before you left for school with the "I HEART VANILLA ICE" shirt on, sometimes your loved ones are forced to stop you from making an ass out of yourself.

With that said, here are some songs that might make us look a little cooler on national TV. I'll also do my best to list what the Rockies are rockin' to presently...

1. Willy Taveras
   Current Song: Unknown. Yeah by Usher was previously used.
   JB Suggests: Suavemente by Elvis Crespo. First let me go on record by saying that I fucking hate this song. When I was at school, it was impossible to avoid it when out in public. However, Willy is big on merengue and he does play ball very suavemente. It's just too bad I couldn't find a good merengue song called "Rapido" or "Me Gusta Bunting."
   
   
2. Kaz Matsui
   Current Song: It's Tricky by Run-DMC
   JB Suggests: Keep it. It's amazing to me that a guy like Kaz would pick such a cool song as his intro music. In fact, I refuse to believe it. He probably brought over an import CD from Japan and it didn't work in the CD player at Coors Field, so they just picked something else for him. It definitely works though, no reason to change it.
   


3. Matt Holliday
   Current Song: The Great Divide or similar song by Scott Stapp. Yes, that Scott Stapp.
   JB Suggests: Holiday by Green Day. The Rockies actually used this song for a Holliday montage on the jumbotron last season and it totally kicked ass. I'm not sure of Holliday's political views, and perhaps the fact that it's an anti-GOP song would make him want to steer clear of it... If I were him I'd rather have a Bush-bashing song than one sung by a dude who enjoys having oral sex with Kid Rock in the room. Just a personal preference. Also a comment to all of you fans of big money teams out there: You don't really want a player on your team that like Scott Stapp, do you? That should knock his asking price down a little bit when he becomes a free agent, right? Can we keep him? Please?
   
   
4. Todd Helton
   Current Song: Back In The Saddle by Aerosmith
   JB Suggests: Rocky Mountain Way by Joe Walsh. At this point, trying to get Mr. Helton to break his vanilla ways is pretty much impossible. In fact, it seems that many Helton fans embrace the fact that he doesn't have much personality, at least not on the field or with the media. These are the same folks that were lobbying so hard for the Rox to choose Rocky Mountain Way for their playoff theme song. It seems like a good marriage. Helton still gets to have a song that's kind of lame and everyone who thinks it's cool will go nuts because Mr. Rockies chose it as his theme.
   
   
5. Garrett Atkins
   Current Song: The Way I Are by Timbaland
   JB Suggests: G.A.M.E. by The Chain Gang. A little vain, yes, but it works. It really fits the whole babysitter/golfer persona he's created for himself.
   
   
6. Brad Hawpe
   Current Song: Rockstar by Nickelback
   JB Suggests: Icky Thump by The White Stripes. For some reason I think Hawpe's song should always be the most current kick-ass rock song on the radio. Right now that's got to be the catchy title track of Jack White's new record.
   
   
7. Troy Tulowitzki
   Current Song: I'm A Flirt by R. Kelly
   JB Suggests: It Takes Two by Rob Base and/or Points Of Authority/99 Problems by Linkin Park & Jay-Z. I think I remember Tulow saying that he's a big Jigga fan. I know all the squares in Denver would be covering their virgin ears when the words "if you got girl problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one," came over the P.A., but that's the price one must be willing to pay if you want dudes from the trendy coastal states. Honestly, I don't think Tulow even has 9 problems, but of those he does have, I'm sure "a bitch" isn't one of them. I can see him rockin' out to this song in the clubhouse before games. The safer bet for the Coors Conservatives would be the house party staple It Takes Two by Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock. "Tu"low... he wears the number two. That's the kind of subtlety Rockies fans love.
   
   
8. Yorvit Torrealba
   Current Song: Unknown.
   JB Suggests: Guerreiro by Curumin. I'm a little rusty on my Portuguese, but I believe guerreiro translates to warrior. I would take Yorvy in a basebrawl against almost any catcher in the league. He seems like the kind of guy that would go loco on your cabeza. Why not go ahead and make the pitcher aware of that fact before Yorvy steps to the plate?
   
   
9. Ryan Spilborghs
   Current Song: The Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani
   JB Suggests: Song 2 by Blur. It's pretty obvious that the guys from SoCal get together and actually put some thought into what song they're going to choose. Spilly definitely has all of Coors Field singing along when he comes to bat, so it's hard to argue with his choice. WEEEE OOOO! Still, when combined with Holliday and Tulow's choices, this puts the team a little too close to a child molester, a sex addict, and Hollaback Girl for my liking. He could get the same reaction using Blur's Song 2. WOOOOO HOO! See?
   


10. Jeff Francis
    Current Song: Angels Of The Silences by Counting Crows
    JB Suggests: Taking Care Of Business by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. Because he's Canadian and he takes care of business. Again with the subtlety.
    


11. Manny Corpas
    Current Song: Impacto by Daddy Yankee
    JB Suggests: Sí Señor by Control Machete. I hate to sound like I'm stereotyping here, but it seems like a lot of Latino players are using Daddy Yankee songs lately. If the powers that be at Coors Field added a few huge subwoofers to each section and they played this track... I guarantee Corpas' entrance in the 9th would have everyone in the house bouncin'.
    


12. Josh Fogg
    Current Song: Slow Ride by Foghat
    JB Suggests: A fog horn. Don't get me wrong, The Fogger strikes me as the kind of guy who knows his music and the fun that can be had when one must choose 10 seconds of a song that best describes oneself, hence the Foghat. But how cool would it be if the P.A. announcer said "Now pitching... Number 37... Josh... Fogg..." and they just blasted a freaking fog horn? That would rule.
    
    
13. Brian Fuentes
    Current song: For You by Staind
    JB Suggests: Love Rollercoaster by The Ohio Players. My fellow Rox fans and I have adopted a new tradition when Fuentes trots out of the bullpen. We go "click-click-click-click-click" and then act like we're on a roller coaster. That pretty much sums up what our emotions are like when the Rox decide to buy the ticket for Mr. Fuentes' Wild Ride. Why not embrace it in song? We love you Brian. No... yes.

¡Viva Los Rockies!

[Plugged In To: Ben Harper / The Will To Live ]

A brief re-cap of my weekend...

Thursday, 10/11: Left work a wee bit early to take part in happy hour at Rock Bottom. It just so happened that Game 1 of the NLCS was on television that evening. It also just so happened to be the night they tapped the new stock of beer, so it was free from 6:00 til 6:30. Niiiice. Got a nice buzz going, the Rockies won, and I played softball. Didn't get to sleep until 1am. That wouldn't have been a problem except...

Friday, 10/12: Woke up at 4:00am to meet Jeff to go to the airport. Our destination: Vegas. I flew standby, so I got a middle seat and maybe 25 minutes of sleep on the plane. Got to Vegas, rented a car, and drove to Phoenix for Game 2 of the NLCS. The Rockies won again and we drove halfway back to Vegas. I went to bed a little after 4:00am (Pacific) meaning I was awake for 25 hours.

Saturday, 10/13: Woke up at 8:30am and drove the rest of the way to Vegas. Saw my Hurricanes choke away my first wager of the weekend. They are awful. Made more wagers on the Tribe/Indians game and won a few bucks. Got a prime rib dinner at 3:30am. Stayed up until after 5:00am.

Sunday, 10/14: Slept in and hung out for most of the morning watching football. Cursed the Bengals and Titans for ruining my parlay. Went to The Mirage for the Rockies game and had LITs thrown at us like they were going out of style. The Rockies won. Meandered down to the MGM and got some more drinks. Made an old lady feel really uncomfortable while sitting at a slot machine. It was her own fault for eavesdropping. Stayed up until 2:30am.

Monday, 10/15: Walked around Vegas for most of the day. Had a delicious lunch at Mesa Grill. Played 2 bucks on slots at Bally's and won 20, enough for a cab ride to the airport. Also got a free Corona. Got a ride from DIA to my car by the world's most disgruntled cabbie. Got home around 9:00pm. Changed into Rockies gear. Pondered going downtown, thought against it, then figured I would regret it if I didn't go. Went to Swanky's and watched the end of the game. Went outside and watched people go absolutely nuts. Gave a homeless junkie 1 dollar for a boob job in exchange for a light of a cigarette. Bought my NL Champs tee. Met Jeff and Monique for celebratory libations at Pat's. Walked around LoDo soaking it all in for about a half hour... got home around 2:00am.

Tuesday, 10/16: Very tired.

SABR Haven - June

TEAM	AVG	OBP	SLG	OPS		ERA	WHIP	K/9
BAL	.275	.351	.463	.814		3.85	1.23	8.58
CHI	.269	.351	.452	.804		3.92	1.36	7.05
LAA	.291	.363	.484	.847		3.96	1.34	7.53
MAR	.271	.339	.435	.774		4.39	1.30	8.02
MHI	.281	.347	.455	.803		3.36	1.23	7.43
NHV	.286	.348	.446	.794		2.93	1.30	8.02
SPD	.288	.355	.473	.829		4.08	1.32	7.21
WOO	.280	.373	.487	.859		4.11	1.35	6.43

The Top Eight - League MVP Edition

8. HANLEY RAMIREZ, SS, MILE HIGH MACKEREL
He's just one half of the Mackerel's superstar shortstop tandem, but his future keeper potential and status as an ex-Rated Rookie for the Sawx boost Hanley Ramirez's value over that of teammate Jimmy Rollins. Not to mention his hot start, which helped propel Mile High to the top of the standings for most of the first third of the season.
Currently in a near dead-heat for 2nd place among shortstops, Hanley is one of only five middle infielders with over 4 points per game. His performance during the summer, fronting an inconsistent Marlins lineup, could be the key to a Macks resurgence, or the gateway to a blockbuster trade.

7. FRANCISCO CORDERO, CP, CHICAGO TIGER ARMY
Its not often that a closer enters the MVP conversation. Only Eric Gagne's 2003 campaign for New Haven and Guillermo Hernandez's 1984 season with the Marlow Cracker Kings come to mind. Enter Frankie Cordero. He leads the league in points per week out the pen with 28.5, and had a stretch in late April and early May when he was getting saves every other game.
Adler's Army can attribute at least 2 or 3 wins directly to Cordero's arm. Those 2 or 3 wins could turn into 5 or 6 when Adler acquires Jonathan Papelbon from Speedway sometime in July for Hunter Pence, the rights to Jacoby Ellsbury, and a book from his baseball reading shelf.

6. CHIPPER JONES, 3B, BALTIMORE DEVIL JAYS
After years at the top of draft boards, Jones has fallen in recent years - none more than in the '07 draft, when Baltimore picked him up in the 13th round. And he may still be under the radar, playing in his 57th year in Atlanta, but Chipper's rebirth as a fantasy stud has helped Jon Grashow's Jays claim the top spot in the standings through Week 8.
At nearly 4.5 PPG, Jones trails only A-Rod at the position and is currently the 4th best hitter overall. Baltimore continues to dominate on the mound, so any surprises at the plate always cause concern for the rest of the league. If Jones can stay healthy, he and Prince Fielder could challenge A-Rod and Ortiz for corner infield supremacy.

5. JAKE PEAVY, SP, SPEEDWAY STARWIPES
Sure, keeping Victor Martinez would have worked out pretty well so far for the 'Wipes. But dumping him in favor of Jake Peavy just prior to Draft Week '07 has turned out to be their biggest victory of the year. After years of benching any and every pitcher without a 2-start week, including perennial ace Roy Halladay, Ryan Friedman has finally found a hoss he can ride every week.
At 25 points per outing, Peavy leads all starters by nearly 3 full points, and is a near-lock to strikeout 8-12 batters per game, making even a non-win a chance for big points. His most valuable contribution however, might be weaning Speedway off of their 2-starter habit, which has netted them exactly 1 playoff appearance in the last 4 years.

4. JOSE REYES, SS, WOOSTA PIMP ROOSTAS
The first of two MVP candidates for the Roostas, Reyes is one of many Woosta hitters trying to make up for the disastrous start on the mound. In an emerging pack of young shortstops, Reyes has used his speed and a great lineup to lead the position by nearly a half point per game. In just two short years, Reyes has gone from young bust to surprise keeper to coveted superstar.
If the playoff streak of GM Rich Gallup is to be extended to 19 for 19, Reyes will need to have more performances like Weeks 1, 2 and 3, when he totalled 102 points in just 16 games.

3. ALEX RODRIGUEZ, 3B, WOOSTA PIMP ROOSTAS
He'd be higher if I thought anyone would vote for him. Lots of home runs early in the season. Kind of slowing down lately. Leads all infielders in points per game. Is a Yankee. Here's a picture - let's move on.

2. VLADIMIR GUERRERO, OF, MILE HIGH MACKEREL
As many of Mile High's old guard have slowed down, Guerrero is having one of his finest seasons to date. Currently sitting at 4.27 PPG, Vlad is second among all outfielders, and was the best hitter for the first place team for much of the early season.
What makes Guerrero even more valuable is how awful the rest of Bielecki's outfield has been. What looked like a juggernaut on paper with two Yankees and a Red Soxck has mostly flopped. Now Michael Cuddyer is Mile High's 2nd best outfielder, and Ken Griffey Jr is their hottest of late. Through it all, the long-time Mack Guerrero has been the consistent force.

1. MAGGLIO ORDONEZ, OF, SPEEDWAY STARWIPES
Drafted in the same round and Chone Figgins and Stephen Drew, and dumped in favor of Ryan Church during the first week of the season, the fantasy career of Magglio Ordonez appeared to be heading for what we like to call Town Bikeland. 8 weeks later, he's the hottest hitter in the league and the leading candidate for most valuable player.
After not even playing in the first three weeks, Ordonez is still 12th among all outfielders in total points, ahead of Manny Ramirez, Vernon Wells, Alfonso Soriano, AND Jack Cust. All this, thanks to a per-game average approaching 6.00 in the middle of a potent Tigers offense. Ordonez might have all the makings of a sell-high candidate but, for now, he's the leader of a surprisingly solid Starwipe lineup and the current frontrunner for MVP.

Adler the Recapler - Week 6

ANAHEIM (6) def. BALTIMORE (3)

This matchup was only the second-most important thing that Baltimore owner Jon Grashow did last week as he tossed aside years of tradition and grabbed a Yankee. Not just any Yankee but Mariano Rivera. The league was shocked, not because he’s a Yankee, but because he’s been so bad. In the actual matchup, Bob’s LA of Anaheim or California of the USA Squatters put up their 2nd-highest score of the year with 396.7 points. With a league-high for the week of 292 hitting points, Bob was paced by, well, everyone except Mike Piazza, who didn’t play. All other hitters put up double digits. On the mound, Bob was led by Brandon Webb and John Lackey, who continue to be two of the best, albeit underrated, pitchers in ECB.

In Baltimore, Grashow received the worst performance from his team this year with only 330 points (nearly 50 below his previous low score). Although all of his pitchers broke into double digits, there wer few stellar games, as Randy Wolf was the only player to crack 30 points. At the plate, Adam Dunn shone with a co-hitter of the week showing of 37, but there was little else to reward, as only 3 other batters broke 20.

NEW HAVEN (5) def. MARSHALL ST (4)

At the beginning of the season, Jeff seemed to fulfill his date with destiny by drafting Mariano Rivera. Well, it was a short date. The kind where something awkward happens and the date ends early, like a half hour in. "I'm sorry, it's just not working out. It's not you, it's me." That's the way Stanley broke the news to Rivera in the locker room. The good news is that Rivera went out with a win, although he didn't contribute much. Stanley's hitters were led by Mike Lowell's surprising 36 points. The pitching was paced by 3 of Stanley's 800 closers, in particular Billy Wagner, Trevor Hoffman, and Takashi Saito.

A week after knocking off ECB powerhouse Woosta, Menace GM Jon Watterson was disappointed with his team's performance, coming up short next to Stanley, (ED NOTE: Ha!) although Watterson had to be pleased with his team's improving offense. He pointed to Gary Matthews Jr, Carlos Lee, and Derek Jeter who all posted 30+ points. Despite the solid hitting, however, Marshall St. was betrayed by C.C. Sabathia, Chris Ray, and Aki Otsuka who all posted subpar performances. When reached for comment, Jon refused to make excuses, except for one: "My team was clearly looking ahead to our rematch with the Pimps."

SPEEDWAY (6) def. WOOSTA (3)

In the battle of former GSC teammates, Ryan T. Friedman's Wipes earned a 6-3 victory. With a strong pitching performance of 185.7 points for the week, Speedway were led by Fausto Carmona and Ted Lilly both posting over 40. With the bats, everyone but Josh "The Natural" Hamilton posted double figures. Hamilton was promptly cut and now resides in Baltimore. Friedman was quoted while signing the release papers as saying, "Cue starwipe...and you're out."

In an uncharacteristic down year (ED NOTE: So far. Don't hurt us.), Rich's Pimps were handed their 3rd-straight loss since stomping Chicago with their league high of 555 points 4 weeks ago. Woosta was led by David Ortiz and Justin Morneau both posting 35 points, and only Ian Kinsler failing to reach double digits. On the mound, the unlikely triumverate of Ian Snell, Chris Young, and Oliver Perez led the way, combining for 102.7 points. When reached for comment on the beaches of Hawaii, Gallup was brief, simply stating, "Go ahead. Write us off. See what happens."

CHICAGO (8) def. MILE HIGH (1)

In the smackdown of the week, Chicago beat down Mile High to the tune of an 8-1 result. Aided by the second-highest hitting performance of the week, Adler's Army posted a season-high 465.5 points. With co-hitter of the week Lance Berkman's 37 points and Gary Sheffield and Russell Martin posting strong weeks, the Army put up 276 at the plate alone. The pitchers received at least 25 points from everyone except Doug Davis for a league high 189.5.

Mile HIgh's Jon Bielecki stated that his team was betrayed by his hitting. And he was right, as the lineup only managed a team-low for '07 with 181 points, although Ken Griffey Jr was the final co-hitter of the week. Particularly putrid were the efforts of Pudge Rodriguez, Derrek Lee, and - ah screw it - the entire infield. On the pitching side, the Macks were saved by Brad Penny's pitcher of the week showing with 58.67 points. JB has failed to write his team off after a second straight losing week (ED NOTE: Probably because he's still in first place), and walked out of the locker room offering the following encouragement: "A little less suck out there next week fellas."

Adler the Recapler - Week 4

In the week that was for week 4 the cream of the crop has started to distance themselves from the rest of the pack. It is a long season though and only time will tell how it unfolds.

Marshall St. @ New Haven

In a battle of teams picked to finish at or near the bottom by a near league consensus Owner Jeff Stanley's Cones emerged with nearly 400 points walking away with a 7-2 victory. With Jose Valverde leading the way, Jeff recieved between 18-36 points from each of his closers and the Cones put up the third highest pitching total of the week. On the hitting side the Cones were led by a resurgent Sammy Sosa who posted 34 points and whose veteran tips helped first round pick Carl Crawford post 33 points. Marshall St was betrayed by his pitching posting a league low total of 81 points. Only Dontrelle Willis was able to post more than 14 points for the week with two solid outings. Watterson's hitting was led by the unlikely trio of Josh Willingham, Rocco Baldelli, and Chad Tracy.

Anaheim @ Mile High

In a battle of the two westernmost teams in ECB, JB's team walked away with a 6-3 victory. JB continues to lead the pack after four weeks with a league best record of 26-10. The Macks were powered by a week-best pitching performance of 195.17 points. With both John Maine and Danny Haren posting over 50 points and Al Reyes putting up an additional 41.5, JB's team distanced itself from Anaheim. With the lumber, the Mackerel were led by Jimmy Rollins' 43 points and supported by Kelly Johnson's 35 and Derrek Lee's 32. Anaheim had the second highest pitching total coming in with 145 points, but it wasn't enough. Led by Aaron Harang's 49.83 and Scott Kazmir's 32.83, Bob was able to give JB his second closest week to date. On the hitting side, Torii Hunter led the way with 33 points followed by Kevin Youkilis and Travis Hafner.

Chicago @ Baltimore

Chicago was the only away team to win this week emerging with a 6-3 victory. The bats of Chicago finally awoke and broke 300 points for the first time this year, posting a 301. With 10 of 13 players posting over 20 points only Manny Ramirez, Ryan Howard, and Scott Rolen failed to break the 20 point barrier. On the pitching side, closers Coco Cordero and Flash Gordon led the way with 37 and 25 points respectively. Baltimore's bats led the way as Chipper Jones posted a 34 with Edgar Renteria and Baltimore's favorite son Grady Sizemore posting 30s. On the pitching side, Baltimore was led by first round pick Francisco Rodriguez and was hurt by Kip Wells only starting once and posting a -3.

Woosta @ Speedway

In the marquee matchup of the week, Speedway walked away with an 8-1 victory. One week after posting a season high of 555 points, Rich's bats were not nearly as potent. With not one batter breaking 30 points a week after 5 did, Rich's team struggled to keep pace with the 'Wipes. Michael Barrett, Bill Hall, and Nick Markakis all failing to crack double digits certainly didn't help the cause. Rich recieved solid efforts across the board on his pitching staff with the exception of Bob Wickman who merely covers the board... because he's fat. Speedway was led by a week-high of 363 hitting points. With Magglio Ordonez, Chase Utley, and Vernon Wells all breaking 40 points, GM Ryan Friedman's victory was assured before his pitchers took the field. When the pitchers did hurl, everyone - with the exception af Kyle Davies - turned in solid weeks.

Saber Haven - April

TEAM	AVG	OBP	SLG	OPS		ERA	WHIP	K/9
BAL	.267	.354	.461	.815		4.07	1.33	8.23
CHI	.279	.380	.435	.815		3.83	1.28	7.26
LAA	.269	.347	.435	.782		3.51	1.32	7.22
MAR	.287	.354	.431	.785		5.19	1.39	8.46
MHI	.307	.377	.481	.858		3.41	1.21	5.61
NHV	.249	.325	.389	.714		2.43	1.05	7.70
SPD	.286	.368	.472	.841		3.46	1.30	7.81
WOO	.278	.362	.532	.894		4.70	1.53	6.26

Bob Uecker, please report to Minute Maid Park

From Yahoo:

Carlos Lee made good on a promise to his fans.

Lee, nicknamed "El Caballo" or "The Horse," received a stick horse from the fans who call themselves "Los Caballitos" before Tuesday's game and vowed he'd ride it if he hit a homer.

The home run to the Crawford Boxes in left field off Jorge Julio put Houston ahead 2-1 in the fourth. Lee trotted around the bases and then galloped through the dugout on the stick horse while receiving congratulatory pats from his teammates.

"I promised them that I would do it and I did it," he said with the furry horse peeking out of his locker over his right shoulder.

Draft Recap '07 - Back in Blog Form

Thanks to some quick writing from some of our KFS stalwarts, here's the Draft Recap for 2007. Following the team capsules, check out the writers' predictions for this year's standings.

Potential Steal - Pedro Martinez
Too Soon! - In a normal league, Dice-K. In this league...Alex Rios.
Guy you were about to take - Carlos Zambrano
Guy you would never, ever take - Barry Bonds
Panic picks - Matsuzaka, Bonds, Rios
When the pre-rankings obviously ran out - After the first 6 redraft picks, when Rich's first 6 choices were gone
Highest pick cut during the season - Erik Bedard - I tried to make a case for someone before him, but was unsuccessful
Draft Strategy - Hitters that crush the ball and a couple of high strikeout pitchers
Humor Pick quality - Good to fair - bringing back memories of "The Package" qualifies for this slot
Overall hitting outlook - Ridiculous - Ortiz, Pujols, Morneau, Reyes...the list goes on and on
Overall pitching outlook - Improved quickly with Dice-K and Zambrano. Not that Rich cares about or likes pitching

Potential Steal - Rich Harden - Everyone after him is either hurt, already traded, or Coco Crisp.
Too Soon! - Alex Gordon - Best case scenario? 25 home runs. Real-life scenario? He's on the Royals.
I was about to pick - Michael Young
I would never, ever pick - Jim Thome
Panic picks - Alex Gordon, Delmon Young, Jered Weaver. Clearly scared of the Wipes.
When the pre-rankings obviously ran out - Right before Coco Crisp, I hope
Highest pick cut during the season - Gordon, especially if he heads for the minors
Draft Strategy - Young bucks with upside and high-risk pitchers with huge K potential
Humor Pick quality - 7 out of 10 - Delwyn Young is neither Muslim nor reminiscent of anyone from Keene. Still...
Overall hitting outlook - One steady star in Sizemore, with all-or-nothing threats looming behind him
Overall pitching outlook - Untouchable if healthy. Combination of depth and talent means a POTW candidate every single week

Potential Steal - Russell Martin - You try finding a 20-HR catcher long after the Great Backstop Heist ends
Too Soon! - Felix Hernandez - Adler should have at least waited until he was on Speedway to try and draft the King
I was about to pick - Felix Hernandez
I would never, ever pick - Scott Rolen
Panic picks - Stephen Drew, Tad Iguchi
When the pre-rankings obviously ran out - After Josh Beckett. When the beer ran out? after Derek Lowe.
Highest pick cut during the season - Adler = The Boy Who Did Not Love Tom Gordon Whatsoever
Draft Strategy - Take established superstars who can help win now. Please, help him.
Humor Pick quality - High to quite high - Worst Asian Available + Street Fighter reference = gold
Overall hitting outlook - Just a notch below Woosta, thanks to the best outfield in the league and The Office's Ryan Howard
Overall pitching outlook - Aging, but solid. Oswalt takes over as staff hoss.

Potential Steal - Jason Schmidt - When healthy, I’ve always been a big fan of Schmidtty. Not that he needs the help, but Dodgers Stadium (ECHO BASE! WOOT! WOOT!) will get him more outs than Tel-Co Park in San Fran.
Too Soon! - Matt Cain - With Hamels, Smoltz, Bonderman, Verlander, and Harden still on the board, Frieds may have reached a bit for Cain.
I was about to pick - Jeff Francoeur - Mancrush #2 - "Will Francoeur swing at the first pitch" is the best bet in Vegas
I would never, ever pick - Tim Lincecum - Because I've never heard of him
Panic picks - Hank Blalock - "Crap, my pre-rankings just ran out...uhhh..Blalock, he's cool!" I've been there.
When the pre-rankings obviously ran out - Hank Blalock.
Highest pick cut during the season - Julio Lugo - I just can't wrap my mind around this guy being good enough to warrant a permanent spot on a roster in a league this small
Draft Strategy - The Frieds Strategy - Draft a couple of guys he always wanted/had and the rest need to be under 28.
Humor Pick quality - Tony F. Pena - Tied in well with his tendency of picking dudes born after 1980, and was also a Red Sox reference at the same time. Not bad.
Overall hitting outlook - Based on the draft, I'd say this lineup has the potential to do some major damage this year. Frieds always seems to put together a lineup that is imposing but not consistent. That being said, I think this team will absolutely destroy the rest of the league on certain weeks, as long as they can keep their team strikeout totals under 300.
Overall pitching outlook - Pitching will be the true strength of the 'Wipes this year. Any team in the league would love to have any of Peavy, Halladay, Schmidt, and Papelbon. Plus, the potential of Verlander and Cain is pretty impressive and daunting to the competition.

Potential Steal - Rich Hill - Normally we should be impressed that Bob got Chien Ming Wang in round 24. But, the dude's a Yankee. Rich Hill, however, could be the pitcher that Frieds kept thinking Mark Prior would turn into.
Too Soon! - (tie) Aaron Harang, Torii Hunter - The Reds "ace" and the new Garrett Anderson should not be in anybody's first five picks.
Guy you were about to take - Dan Uggla and Freddy Sanchez - Instead I got Ian Kinsler. D'oh?
Guy you would never, ever take - Lyle Overbay. Total league taboo, getting between Adler and his man like that.
Panic picks - Jason Bay. Bob was so worried he wouldn't get Bay back, he asked if he could change his keepers 20 minutes before draft time. And Chone Figgins, stupid Yahoo overranking him by our standards.
When the pre-rankings obviously ran out - After Jason Bay.
Highest pick cut during the season - See "Too Soon!"
Draft Strategy - Plan on taking Daisuke to dangle as trade bait over league full of Red Sox fans, then check last year's roster a half hour before the draft and realize you kept Brandon Webb over Jason Bay. Kick Daisuke to the curb, pick Bay, then draft for strikeouts and well-groomed East Bay DHs
Humor Pick quality - Pac-10ish. Bob's always gonna draft Cal, which is respectable.
Overall hitting outlook - Great keepers won't be getting much help from draftees
Overall pitching outlook - Many much strikeouts

Potential Steal - Brett Myers - Myers has always been a favorite of mine. His high strikeout totals, coupled with the fact that the Phillies could win a bunch of games this year, means that Myers has a good chance of outscoring the likes of Chad Cordero, Erik Bedard, and Chris Young, all of whom were taken before Myers.
Too Soon! - Juan Pierre - In this league, Juan Pierre is about as valuable as a Derek Jeter rookie card in Southie. The fact that stolen bases are in far less demand than home runs and extra base hits leads me to the conclusion that Pierre would have slipped several rounds, if he would have been drafted at all. In my opinion, there are only a handful of “small ball” type players worth drafting and J.P. is not one of them. Pierre has since been cut. Good pick, Watts.
I was about to pick - Carlos Lee - He was #1 on my list, I'm not gonna lie
I would never, ever pick - Pierre, Corey Patterson, Rocco Baldelli - These guys all sort of fall into the “small ball” category. Corey Patterson spent time in AAA last year, I believe. Once guys get to the bigs, I usually make it a point not to draft them if they get sent back down. Especially if they’re 28. I had Baldelli on my team once. Didn’t work out well. If you’re reading this, you can probably relate.
Panic picks - Can a computer panic? Was Watts even there? If he was, was he in such an altered state that he even could panic? I dunno. Chris Ray.
When the pre-rankings obviously ran out - Brian McCann - McCann was a good pick, and will probably be one of the highest scoring catchers in the league… but I think we’re all a little curious as to why Watts felt he needed 3 catchers by the start of Round 10.
Highest pick cut during the season - Juan Pierre - April 2, 7:41am.
Draft Strategy - The Bitch-About-How-JB-Thinks-I’m-Not-Dedicated-To-The-League-And-Then-Not-Show-Up Strategy. Maybe the All-Catchers-All-The-Time Strategy? I was one of several GMs who was scratching my head for a few picks until I figured/assumed that Watts didn’t show. Honestly though, he probably shouldn’t have even bothered to pre-rank anyone. Humor Pick quality - Morgan Ensberg - Not so funny.
Overall hitting outlook - I’m wondering where the power is going to come from. Glaus (if healthy) and Lee are really the only two guys Watts can realistically expect to hit 30 homers. Like every team, they’ll probably have their shining weeks, but over the haul of the season Watts is going to need to scour the waiver wire for some power. After the draft, Watts traded away two of his catchers… but for Dontrelle Willis and Jhonny Peralta. Hmmm…
Overall pitching outlook - Poor Watts fell into the Lidge Trap. 4… 3… 2… 1… did he cut him yet? How about now? Other than that, it wound up being a noticeably shallow staff, especially by Watts’ standards. Since the draft, Watts used his virtual plethora of catchers to beef it up a little bit, but I’m not so sure how well a post-draft assembled pitching staff can perform.

Potential Steal - Jason Giambi or Brad Penny. If this was before the season, I'd say Prior instead of Penny. What can I say, dude was awesome... like that one time...
Too Soon! - Barry Zito. As any impartial sports fan in the Bay Area has learned over the last several months, that dude's going to suuuuuuuck.
Guy you were about to take - Sooo many. Hanley, JD, Cole, Haren, Burnett, and Griffey Jr. And fine, Barry Zito. As any impartial sports fan in the Bay Area has learned over the last several months, that dude's awesome
Guy you would never, ever take - Besides all the Yankees, Michael Cuddyer. I keep thinking he's Geoff Jenkins.
Panic picks - JD Drew. A veteran like JB knows that one can only panic in the first few rounds of the draft, since they're the only ones that count. The rest is just for fun. When I jacked his Overbay (Nick Swisher), he struck back the only way he could, by taking the Red Sox shiny new outfielder.
When the pre-rankings obviously ran out - After Zito. JB would never rank Marcus Giles and AJ Burnett seriously.
Highest pick cut during the season - Eric Chavez. Remember when Peter Gammons would promise this would be the year Chavvy would hit 40 homers, like every year? For the last 7 years?
Draft Strategy - Take good players. Make fun of Adler. Repeat.
Humor Pick quality - Even as a humor pick, Sammy Sooser will still outproduce half of Watts' draft.
Overall hitting outlook - Solid, but keepers may finally start to show their age.
Overall pitching outlook - Also solid. Apparently Cole Hamels is cult-favorite awesome. Like Zito used to be, but isn't anymore.

Potential Steal - Jose Valverde
Too Soon! - Felipe Lopez. Unless Ffej is recruiting for St. Johns. Because that worked out real well...
Guy you were about to take - Howie Kendrick
Guy you would never, ever take - Mariano Rivera symbolizes all that is evil
Panic picks - Tom Glavine - This guy has NEVER saved even one game
When the pre-rankings obviously ran out - Round 24 - The last round he drafted a closer
Highest pick cut during the season - Howie Kendrick - He's already playing for Chicago, and everyone who went before him is either a closer or Carl Crawford.
Draft Strategy - The Pokemon Closer Strategy - Gotta collect 'em all!
Humor Pick quality - Poor, although Wigginton does SOUND kind of funny
Overall hitting outlook - Okay. Ramirez, Dye, and Delgado must carry this team.
Overall pitching outlook - Starters? Piss poor. Closers? Unrivaled.

Adler:
1. Woosta
2. Chicago
3. LA of Anaheim
4. Mile High
5. Baltimore
6. Speedway
7. New Haven
8. Marshall St

JB:
1. Speedway
2. Woosta
3. Mile High
4. LA of Anaheim
5. Baltimore
6. Chicago
7. Marshall St
8. New Haven

Ryan:
1. Baltimore
2. Woosta
3. Chicago
4. Speedway
5. Mile High
6. Marshall St
7. New Haven
8. LA of Anaheim

Rich:
1. Woosta
2. Baltimore
3. Mile High
4. Speedway
5. LA of Anaheim
6. Chicago
7. Marshall St.
8. New Haven

Gum Not Included

I'm still willing to make a t-shirt from scratch for this year's champion. But this is awfully tempting...

Where Are They Now?

Let me bring y’alls back to March 2001. Seriously, we were all still in college. I know because the crumpled up piece of paper in my closet says I graduated later that Spring. The number one song was “Angel” by Shaggy and the top draw at the box office was Exit Wounds. Who would have predicted that one little password was about to change our lives? Even more than Exit Wounds.

On an unseasonably warm March day*, somewhere between 4 and 8 fantasy sports pioneers gathered around their computers to embark on a journey that continues to this day. With a click of the mouse, Rich Gallup made Pedro Martinez the first official member of a KFS team. The first round continued with luminaries such as Jeff Bagwell, Kevin Brown, Sammy Sosa, and Darin Erstad being called to the stage as a PornBat, or a Numbnut, or a Bergie.

*may have been snowing several inches per hour

And while a few owners considered the draft over when the ghost of Mike Keyes drafted Richard Hidalgo in Round 7, the best was actually yet to come. Lance Berkman to Bookland in Round 13? Nope. Ichiro to VHQ in Round 19? Child’s play. Surely, I mean Mike Sirotka to T-Dub in Round 15. No, I’m talking about the tradition like none other – the final round funny pick. So let’s hop in the wayback machine and revisit Round 23, 6 years ago.

By the way, that initial league password? “jonrobbins”. Continue, if you can…

Pick 177 – VHQ StalkerDodgers – Travis “Gookie” Dawkins

2001: The homeless man’s Pokey Reese did not appear in one MLB game in 2001, choosing instead to bust out a year later with 5 hits in 48 ABs to the tune of a .389 OPS.

Where is Gookie now: After spending ’06 with the Pirates AAA affiliate in Indianapolis, where he played in 66 games and outhit Chris Truby, Gookie was one of 4 non-roster invitee infielders in Seattle Mariners camp in 2007. The other 3 (and I am not making this up) were Rey Ordonez, Matt Tuiasosopo, and Sean Burroughs. I can’t figure out if he’s been cut yet, but it appears he might begin the season with the big club. This once again proves my theory – making the Mariners squad is very difficult.

Pick 178 – EMF EscortWagons – Turk Wendell

2001: Turk went 4-5 with 1 save in 70 total appearances for the Mets and Phillies. His WHIP, and I know you were wondering, was 1.448.

Where is Turk now: OK, first of all, Turk Wendell went to Quinnipiac? How did I not know that. You guys knew that, right? Anyway, after he was told he wasn’t good enough to pitch in Colorado, Wendell somehow avoided killing himself before finally calling it quits in 2005. He is now most known for pointing at former teammates and saying “NANNY NANNY STEROID USER!” He also wears a Jeff Stanley t-shirt to all public appearances.

Pick 179 – T-Dub Firestones – Mitch Meluskey

2001: Yet another final-round selection who failed to show up in the box score in 2001, Meluskey clearly plateaued a year earlier by hitting 14 of his 15 career home runs and stealing 1 of his 2 career stolen bases

Where is Mitch now: The once-promising heir to the Randy Kutcher redneck name throne fizzled out after taking hitting lessons from Brad Ausmus for 3 seasons and punching out teammate Matt Mieske during a batting-cage fight. I’m totally remembering all this stuff off the top of my head…

Pick 180 – Rich’s Sales Clerks – DeWayne Wise

2001: Continuing our theme, Larry DeWayne Wise played nary a game in ’01. But forget that, why did we let Adler name his team “Rich’s”? That was totally confusing, especially since they both wore vests a lot at work.

Where is DeWayne now: When not being the annoying voiceover guy for CNN Headline Sports (no?), Wise can be found plying his trade as a member of the AAA Louisville Bats, where he shares a locker room with Dan Conway (not that Dan Conway), Rick Asadoorian (that Rick Asadoorian) and Mark Bellhorn (definitely that Mark Bellhorn)

Pick 181 – Bookland PornBats – Rocky Biddle

2001: Funny name, sure. But a serious game also. Biddle won a whopping 7 games for the White Sox in ’01, despite bowing to pressure and walking 3 batters intentionally. Pussy.

Where is Rocky now: Perhaps most well known for winning a Pitcher of the Week award in 2003, when he saved 34 games for Montreal and New Haven, Lee Francis “Rocky” Biddle suffered a torn labrum in 2005 and was released by the Washington Nationals. To answer the question, though, I have no idea.

Pick 182 – MSDW Numbnuts – Bengie Molina

2001: The slowest Molina (which is like the tallest Braden) hit 5 home runs and knocked in 40 for the Wherever Angels of Wherever. He was 0 for 1 on stolen base attempts, thus costing MSDW GM Jon Watterson a crucial point in, lets say Week 9.

Where is Bengie now: A tradition within a tradition began with this pick, as Watterson tried to pick actual MLB contributors in the final round while the rest of us frantically scrolled for hyphens and z’s in names. 84 career home runs and 2 gold gloves qualifies as contributing I suppose, so Molina fits the bill. In 2007, Bengie will try and replace SF icon Mike Matheny behind the plate. He has recently been spotted lapping Barry Bonds in windsprints around the diamond.

Pick 183 – Baybutt Pirates – Vinny Castilla

2001: After getting over the irony of a Mexican being drafted by a guy who went to college in the middle of the woods in Virginia, Castilla easily trounced his final round brethren in performance, hitting 25 bombs in Tampa and Houston

Where is Vinny now: Short story? He’s retired. Long story? His last professional baseball appearance came as a member of the 2007 Mexican entry into the Caribbean Series. His team finished last in the tournament, despite being led in home runs by Alfredo Amezaga (1).

Pick 184 – Bergiez – Bobby Bonilla

2001: When is a non-humor pick the best humor pick ever? When it’s our very first Mr. Irrelevant and his name is Bobby freaking Bonilla, that’s when. Bobby batted .213 in 93 games with the Cardinals in ’01, and pretty much faded into Bolivia shortly thereafter.

Where is Bobby now: I was afraid to look, but fear not - Bobby is somehow a functioning member of society, currently holding it down as an MLB union rep. He also sits grudgingly in a tie for 124^th on the all-time home run list, his dogged pursuit of Kent Hrbek having apparently stalled just six measly dingers short.

So there you have it. Who will be added to this pantheon this weekend? Tune in at 8:45 ET this Saturday to find out. Actually, tune in and then go away for about an hour while actual rosters are boringly constructed out of middle-of-the-road Brewers pitchers. THEN tune back in towards the end.