Thursday, October 18, 2007

Great Team, Poor Taste

Over the past few weeks the Colorado Rockies have received many accolades due to their record setting run up to and thus far in the Major League Baseball playoffs. As a Rockies fan and someone who has watched this team closely all year, I feel it is my duty to point out a weakness that could lead to their downfall. The flaw is simple and it is glaring. The Rockies players' theme songs must be changed if we are to defeat the Indians/Red Sox in the World Series. It might not be easy for some players to hear, but like that time your mom made you change before you left for school with the "I HEART VANILLA ICE" shirt on, sometimes your loved ones are forced to stop you from making an ass out of yourself.
With that said, here are some songs that might make us look a little cooler on national TV. I'll also do my best to list what the Rockies are rockin' to presently...
  1. Willy Taveras
    Current Song: Unknown. Yeah by Usher was previously used.
    JB Suggests: Suavemente by Elvis Crespo. First let me go on record by saying that I fucking hate this song. When I was at school, it was impossible to avoid it when out in public. However, Willy is big on merengue and he does play ball very suavemente. It's just too bad I couldn't find a good merengue song called "Rapido" or "Me Gusta Bunting."

  2. Kaz Matsui
    Current Song: It's Tricky by Run-DMC
    JB Suggests: Keep it. It's amazing to me that a guy like Kaz would pick such a cool song as his intro music. In fact, I refuse to believe it. He probably brought over an import CD from Japan and it didn't work in the CD player at Coors Field, so they just picked something else for him. It definitely works though, no reason to change it.

  3. Matt Holliday
    Current Song: The Great Divide or similar song by Scott Stapp. Yes, that Scott Stapp.
    JB Suggests: Holiday by Green Day. The Rockies actually used this song for a Holliday montage on the jumbotron last season and it totally kicked ass. I'm not sure of Holliday's political views, and perhaps the fact that it's an anti-GOP song would make him want to steer clear of it... If I were him I'd rather have a Bush-bashing song than one sung by a dude who enjoys having oral sex with Kid Rock in the room. Just a personal preference. Also a comment to all of you fans of big money teams out there: You don't really want a player on your team that like Scott Stapp, do you? That should knock his asking price down a little bit when he becomes a free agent, right? Can we keep him? Please?

  4. Todd Helton
    Current Song: Back In The Saddle by Aerosmith
    JB Suggests: Rocky Mountain Way by Joe Walsh. At this point, trying to get Mr. Helton to break his vanilla ways is pretty much impossible. In fact, it seems that many Helton fans embrace the fact that he doesn't have much personality, at least not on the field or with the media. These are the same folks that were lobbying so hard for the Rox to choose Rocky Mountain Way for their playoff theme song. It seems like a good marriage. Helton still gets to have a song that's kind of lame and everyone who thinks it's cool will go nuts because Mr. Rockies chose it as his theme.

  5. Garrett Atkins
    Current Song: The Way I Are by Timbaland
    JB Suggests: G.A.M.E. by The Chain Gang. A little vain, yes, but it works. It really fits the whole babysitter/golfer persona he's created for himself.

  6. Brad Hawpe
    Current Song: Rockstar by Nickelback
    JB Suggests: Icky Thump by The White Stripes. For some reason I think Hawpe's song should always be the most current kick-ass rock song on the radio. Right now that's got to be the catchy title track of Jack White's new record.

  7. Troy Tulowitzki
    Current Song: I'm A Flirt by R. Kelly
    JB Suggests: It Takes Two by Rob Base and/or Points Of Authority/99 Problems by Linkin Park & Jay-Z. I think I remember Tulow saying that he's a big Jigga fan. I know all the squares in Denver would be covering their virgin ears when the words "if you got girl problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one," came over the P.A., but that's the price one must be willing to pay if you want dudes from the trendy coastal states. Honestly, I don't think Tulow even has 9 problems, but of those he does have, I'm sure "a bitch" isn't one of them. I can see him rockin' out to this song in the clubhouse before games. The safer bet for the Coors Conservatives would be the house party staple It Takes Two by Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock. "Tu"low... he wears the number two. That's the kind of subtlety Rockies fans love.

  8. Yorvit Torrealba
    Current Song: Unknown.
    JB Suggests: Guerreiro by Curumin. I'm a little rusty on my Portuguese, but I believe guerreiro translates to warrior. I would take Yorvy in a basebrawl against almost any catcher in the league. He seems like the kind of guy that would go loco on your cabeza. Why not go ahead and make the pitcher aware of that fact before Yorvy steps to the plate?

  9. Ryan Spilborghs
    Current Song: The Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani
    JB Suggests: Song 2 by Blur. It's pretty obvious that the guys from SoCal get together and actually put some thought into what song they're going to choose. Spilly definitely has all of Coors Field singing along when he comes to bat, so it's hard to argue with his choice. WEEEE OOOO! Still, when combined with Holliday and Tulow's choices, this puts the team a little too close to a child molester, a sex addict, and Hollaback Girl for my liking. He could get the same reaction using Blur's Song 2. WOOOOO HOO! See?

  10. Jeff Francis
    Current Song: Angels Of The Silences by Counting Crows
    JB Suggests: Taking Care Of Business by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. Because he's Canadian and he takes care of business. Again with the subtlety.

  11. Manny Corpas
    Current Song: Impacto by Daddy Yankee
    JB Suggests: Señor by Control Machete. I hate to sound like I'm stereotyping here, but it seems like a lot of Latino players are using Daddy Yankee songs lately. If the powers that be at Coors Field added a few huge subwoofers to each section and they played this track... I guarantee Corpas' entrance in the 9th would have everyone in the house bouncin'.

  12. Josh Fogg
    Current Song: Slow Ride by Foghat
    JB Suggests: A fog horn. Don't get me wrong, The Fogger strikes me as the kind of guy who knows his music and the fun that can be had when one must choose 10 seconds of a song that best describes oneself, hence the Foghat. But how cool would it be if the P.A. announcer said "Now pitching... Number 37... Josh... Fogg..." and they just blasted a freaking fog horn? That would rule.

  13. Brian Fuentes
    Current song: For You by Staind
    JB Suggests: Love Rollercoaster by The Ohio Players. My fellow Rox fans and I have adopted a new tradition when Fuentes trots out of the bullpen. We go "click-click-click-click-click" and then act like we're on a roller coaster. That pretty much sums up what our emotions are like when the Rox decide to buy the ticket for Mr. Fuentes' Wild Ride. Why not embrace it in song? We love you Brian. No... yes.

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