Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Round 2: Electric Boogaloo

Your round two projections, straight outta the Mile Heezzy. Assuming current list of keepers and Grashow’s predictions…

  1. Baltimore
    Who They’ll Have…
    Prince Fielder, Adam Dunn, Grady Sizemore, Matt Holliday, Álex Ríos, Daisuke Matsuzaka.
    And Then…
    Nate McLouth. Could this be a more fitting pick for the D-Jays? McLouth is the NL version of Sizemore. He’s gritty, well rounded, and he plays in Shittsburgh, which would make it easy for GM Grashow to see his investment in person a few times over the course of the season. Besides, he’s a high-upside white boy who rumor has it Mile High has been looking closely at. This virtually guarantees that he’ll be drafted by Baltimore.
  2. Mile High
    Who They’ll Have…
    Tim Lincecum, Mark Teixeira, Hanley Ramírez, Nick Markakis, Jimmy Rollins, Adrián González.
    And Then…
    Roy Halladay. Can JB pass up teaming Doc with Timmay again? Probably not. We’re getting the bad back together!
  3. Worcester
    Who They’ll Have…
    Albert Pujols, José Reyes, Álex Rodríguez, Josh Hamilton, David Ortiz, Francisco Rodríguez.
    And Then…
    Dan Uggla. The patented Rich “This Draft Is Terrible” talk starts in round two when the majority of the talent lies in pitching. Pitching is for wimps. Pitching is for guys who don’t have Popeye-style forearms. Dan Uggla had more strikeouts than Cliff Lee last year AND he hit 32 jacks. This is elementary, people.
  4. Marshall Street
    Who They’ll Have…
    Dustin Pedroia, Ian Kinsler, Carlos Lee, CC Sabathia, Jake Peavy, Bobby Abreu.
    And Then…
    Mariano Rivera. The opportunity will be there for Watts to do something radical with this pick. With most of the top-tier studs already spoken for, he’ll have to decide if this will be a pitching or hitting heavy squad. I remember that one time when this team was decent it was because of pitching. Also I’ll be reminding everyone at the draft that pitching won the championship last year.
  5. Chicago
    Who They’ll Have…
    Ryan Howard, Justin Morneau, Lance Berkman, Carlos Beltrán, Carlos Quentin, Cole Hamels.
    And Then…
    Jonathan Papelbon. And then Adler walks out of the room, his arms raised triumphantly (much like this photo), forgetting that it’s a 25-man roster and said rosters needs to be updated on a weekly basis. He finishes the season 1 game out of the playoffs, while scoring more points than the 4th and 3rd place teams.
  6. Speedway
    Who They’ll Have…
    Miguel Cabrera, Chase Utley, Evan Longoria, Ryan Braun, Johan Santana, B.J. Upton.
    And Then…
    Joey Votto. Then he waits until round-the-third to snatch Hunter Pence from under Adler’s nose.
  7. New Haven
    Who They’ll Have…
    Brian McCann, Kevin Youkilis, Brian Roberts, Aramis Ramírez, Carl Crawford, Vladmir Guerrero.
    And Then…
    Cliff Lee. A solid pitcher, and a starter at that. Not since the days of when Randy Johnson could break 90mph have we seen that out of the T-Cones. Make it happen, Ffej. Of course, we may also see Brad Lidge or Joakim Soria go at this slot.
  8. Los Angeles… of Anaheim
    Who They’ll Have…
    Russell Martin, David Wright, Jason Bay, Alfonso Soriano, Brandon Webb, Manny Ramírez (how is this team so bad?).
    And Then…
    Curtis Granderson. Rest of league: “FUCK!”

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Round 1 Goes a Little Something Like This

1st round mock draft, courtesy of Baltimore CEO/Director of Player Personnel Jon Grashow.

  1. Anaheim: Man-Ram
And with the 1st pick of the 2009 Elm City Baseball Draft presented in stunning 1080P by keenefantasysports.com the LA of Anaheim Squatters select – Manny Ramirez. Every year Bob’s lineup hits the cover off the ball, leaving the rest of us scratching our heads as we barely squeak out a victory even though none of his pitchers have two starts and 3 of his active players are on the DL. Manny fits this bill to a T, and he even plays in LA. Consider this one a done deal.
  1. New Haven: Vlad Guerrero
“Well, he’s old enough…” will be the last words uttered in the New Haven war room prior to the selection of Guerrero with the 2nd pick. New Haven keepers McCann, Youkilis, and Crawford are all bringing the average age of the T-Cones down to dangerously low levels. Vlad is the pick that will bring this once proud franchise back to its respectable “veteran” status.
  1. Speedway: BJ Upton
“Well, he’s young enough…” will be the last words uttered in the Speedway war room prior to the selection of the elder Upton brother with the 3rd pick. Speedway has the infield positions pretty well covered, so they will probably look to fill in one of the holes in the OF with their first pick. Plus Ryan has already thrown Upton’s name around the message boards. Anyone who can read between the lines can see he has feelings for the shortstop turned third baseman turned second baseman turned outfielder.
  1. Chicago: Cole Hamels
Chicago didn’t keep any pitchers, and Cole Hamels is a flame thrower. He’s young, he’s got the WOW factor that Adler can’t get enough of, and he’s not on the Yankees – sounds like a match to me. Now that it has been revealed that his elbow is structurally sound, look for Private Hamels to report to the Tiger Army for duty in the first round.
  1. Marshall St.: Bob Abreu
With rumors circulating that Manager Watterson may not be able to attend the draft in person this year, I was tempted to write the name of a catcher in this slot. But I KNOW that he won’t make the mistake of pre-ranking players alphabetically by position again, so instead I just chose the available player that I like the least. That’s usually a good bet for Marshall St.
  1. Woosta: K-Rod
Did anyone realize that Francisco Rodriguez scored 792 points last year? That’s just disgusting. Woosta will probably pick him up again and ride him to the championship. He’ll probably score even more this year playing for the M-E-T-S.
  1. Mile High: A-Gon
Over the past few years Mile High has had some of the most impressive drafts of any team, building their impressive stable of keepers and making them a competitive force each year. They have an opening at the corner infielder position and Adrian Gonzalez is just the kind of high-scoring, high-upside, sensible pick that JB likes to make.
  1. Baltimore: Dice-K
With no pitchers counted among their keepers, Baltimore will almost certainly try to rectify the situation in the first round. Matsuzaka has gotten better each year, and has a great bullpen behind him this year. Any pitcher who can shut down the Cuban WBC team should make short work of an Elm City Baseball squad. I actually have no intention of drafting Dice-K in the first round, but its sort of a convincing argument, right?