Where Are They Now?

Let me bring y’alls back to March 2001. Seriously, we were all still in college. I know because the crumpled up piece of paper in my closet says I graduated later that Spring. The number one song was “Angel” by Shaggy and the top draw at the box office was Exit Wounds. Who would have predicted that one little password was about to change our lives? Even more than Exit Wounds.

On an unseasonably warm March day*, somewhere between 4 and 8 fantasy sports pioneers gathered around their computers to embark on a journey that continues to this day. With a click of the mouse, Rich Gallup made Pedro Martinez the first official member of a KFS team. The first round continued with luminaries such as Jeff Bagwell, Kevin Brown, Sammy Sosa, and Darin Erstad being called to the stage as a PornBat, or a Numbnut, or a Bergie.

*may have been snowing several inches per hour

And while a few owners considered the draft over when the ghost of Mike Keyes drafted Richard Hidalgo in Round 7, the best was actually yet to come. Lance Berkman to Bookland in Round 13? Nope. Ichiro to VHQ in Round 19? Child’s play. Surely, I mean Mike Sirotka to T-Dub in Round 15. No, I’m talking about the tradition like none other – the final round funny pick. So let’s hop in the wayback machine and revisit Round 23, 6 years ago.

By the way, that initial league password? “jonrobbins”. Continue, if you can…

Pick 177 – VHQ StalkerDodgers – Travis “Gookie” Dawkins

2001: The homeless man’s Pokey Reese did not appear in one MLB game in 2001, choosing instead to bust out a year later with 5 hits in 48 ABs to the tune of a .389 OPS.

Where is Gookie now: After spending ’06 with the Pirates AAA affiliate in Indianapolis, where he played in 66 games and outhit Chris Truby, Gookie was one of 4 non-roster invitee infielders in Seattle Mariners camp in 2007. The other 3 (and I am not making this up) were Rey Ordonez, Matt Tuiasosopo, and Sean Burroughs. I can’t figure out if he’s been cut yet, but it appears he might begin the season with the big club. This once again proves my theory – making the Mariners squad is very difficult.

Pick 178 – EMF EscortWagons – Turk Wendell

2001: Turk went 4-5 with 1 save in 70 total appearances for the Mets and Phillies. His WHIP, and I know you were wondering, was 1.448.

Where is Turk now: OK, first of all, Turk Wendell went to Quinnipiac? How did I not know that. You guys knew that, right? Anyway, after he was told he wasn’t good enough to pitch in Colorado, Wendell somehow avoided killing himself before finally calling it quits in 2005. He is now most known for pointing at former teammates and saying “NANNY NANNY STEROID USER!” He also wears a Jeff Stanley t-shirt to all public appearances.

Pick 179 – T-Dub Firestones – Mitch Meluskey

2001: Yet another final-round selection who failed to show up in the box score in 2001, Meluskey clearly plateaued a year earlier by hitting 14 of his 15 career home runs and stealing 1 of his 2 career stolen bases

Where is Mitch now: The once-promising heir to the Randy Kutcher redneck name throne fizzled out after taking hitting lessons from Brad Ausmus for 3 seasons and punching out teammate Matt Mieske during a batting-cage fight. I’m totally remembering all this stuff off the top of my head…

Pick 180 – Rich’s Sales Clerks – DeWayne Wise

2001: Continuing our theme, Larry DeWayne Wise played nary a game in ’01. But forget that, why did we let Adler name his team “Rich’s”? That was totally confusing, especially since they both wore vests a lot at work.

Where is DeWayne now: When not being the annoying voiceover guy for CNN Headline Sports (no?), Wise can be found plying his trade as a member of the AAA Louisville Bats, where he shares a locker room with Dan Conway (not that Dan Conway), Rick Asadoorian (that Rick Asadoorian) and Mark Bellhorn (definitely that Mark Bellhorn)

Pick 181 – Bookland PornBats – Rocky Biddle

2001: Funny name, sure. But a serious game also. Biddle won a whopping 7 games for the White Sox in ’01, despite bowing to pressure and walking 3 batters intentionally. Pussy.

Where is Rocky now: Perhaps most well known for winning a Pitcher of the Week award in 2003, when he saved 34 games for Montreal and New Haven, Lee Francis “Rocky” Biddle suffered a torn labrum in 2005 and was released by the Washington Nationals. To answer the question, though, I have no idea.

Pick 182 – MSDW Numbnuts – Bengie Molina

2001: The slowest Molina (which is like the tallest Braden) hit 5 home runs and knocked in 40 for the Wherever Angels of Wherever. He was 0 for 1 on stolen base attempts, thus costing MSDW GM Jon Watterson a crucial point in, lets say Week 9.

Where is Bengie now: A tradition within a tradition began with this pick, as Watterson tried to pick actual MLB contributors in the final round while the rest of us frantically scrolled for hyphens and z’s in names. 84 career home runs and 2 gold gloves qualifies as contributing I suppose, so Molina fits the bill. In 2007, Bengie will try and replace SF icon Mike Matheny behind the plate. He has recently been spotted lapping Barry Bonds in windsprints around the diamond.

Pick 183 – Baybutt Pirates – Vinny Castilla

2001: After getting over the irony of a Mexican being drafted by a guy who went to college in the middle of the woods in Virginia, Castilla easily trounced his final round brethren in performance, hitting 25 bombs in Tampa and Houston

Where is Vinny now: Short story? He’s retired. Long story? His last professional baseball appearance came as a member of the 2007 Mexican entry into the Caribbean Series. His team finished last in the tournament, despite being led in home runs by Alfredo Amezaga (1).

Pick 184 – Bergiez – Bobby Bonilla

2001: When is a non-humor pick the best humor pick ever? When it’s our very first Mr. Irrelevant and his name is Bobby freaking Bonilla, that’s when. Bobby batted .213 in 93 games with the Cardinals in ’01, and pretty much faded into Bolivia shortly thereafter.

Where is Bobby now: I was afraid to look, but fear not - Bobby is somehow a functioning member of society, currently holding it down as an MLB union rep. He also sits grudgingly in a tie for 124^th on the all-time home run list, his dogged pursuit of Kent Hrbek having apparently stalled just six measly dingers short.

So there you have it. Who will be added to this pantheon this weekend? Tune in at 8:45 ET this Saturday to find out. Actually, tune in and then go away for about an hour while actual rosters are boringly constructed out of middle-of-the-road Brewers pitchers. THEN tune back in towards the end.

Top 10: Mocking Myself

I'll be honest, I haven't really been prepping for the draft as well as I have in years past. Of course, the time-invested-to-quality-pick ratio that I displayed last year pretty much indicated that I wasted my time. It's always hard to judge Spring Training, so I try not to pay attention. The problem is that baseball is my favorite pro sport, so I can't stay away from it. The results of the column reading and box score research that I do pre-season have produced the likes of Jay Gibbons, Brad Wilkerson, and Daniel Cabrera as fantasy picks. That Gabe Gross pick I made in 2005 wasn't a humor pick. He was supposed to be my draft steal. That all vanished when the Blue Jays sent him to AAA. This year don't be surprised if I grab any of the following players:

Daniel Cabrera - I... can't... stop... Seriously, if this guy ever wins more than 12 games, it had better be for my team.
Garret Anderson - G.A. was a cornerstone of my teams when I was in college. Apparently he's healthy this year. Which means I should expect big numbers again. Which I will expect. And probably not get.
Troy Tulowitzki - He's the next great thing in this town. And he's got an awesome Polish name to boot. Besides, why have only one fantasy player on my hometown team, when I can have two?
Aaron Harang - No one else will take him. I can almost guarantee it.
Dan Uggla - I don't even like this guy. I guess I have a soft spot for him just because everyone on Yahoo! says he's going to suck, when in fact it is they who suck.
Khalil Greene - So my hybrid SS/MI could be named Khalil Tulowitzki. I have just decided that my first born son shall be named Khalil Tulowitzki Bielecki.
Kenny Rogers - Just the kind of somewhat decent, undesirable pitcher that would wind up on my team. Ooo, he's having a good spring. The dude is 43, Bielecki. He ain't gonna have a breakout year.
Felix Hernandez - I usually make one pick every year with the sole purpose of drawing the envy of the rest of the league. At least until Week 2. I (or whoever takes 'Lix) will be that person.
Raul Ibanez - The hitters' version of Aaron Harang. He is also the son-in-law of the lady I worked for at UM.
Roger Clemens - Everyone's got to have him as their 25th pick. I have him as my 24th.

JB's Offseason Report: Because Basketball Doesn't Count

With KFSers all over the nation trudging through the fantasy sports sewage pipeline known as January through March, it is not uncommon for one to lose the drive to care about our collective addiction. But fear not, because Yahoo! Fantasy Baseball signups are just days away. With that in mind, it's time to take a look at the off-season headlines from around the league:


Another year has passed and another expansion must be made to the "Championship Wing" of the Gallup Estate. The Pimps of Worcester captured their third baseball championship and proved yet again that it is NOT impossible to win with Albert Pujols, David Ortiz, and Gay-Rod... and Jose Reyes and Justin Morneau... and Vernon Wells... and Roy Oswalt and Frankie Rodriguez. The KFS Ownership Committe has submitted a new challenge to the Pimps in 2007: "We bet you can't lose! Prove us wrong!"

Unlike fellow 2006 KFS champs, the Denver Shalhoubs, the Pimps did not spend their championship off-season in Thai whorehouses getting fat, old, and decrepit. Instead, Owner Rich Gallup kept his players on a strict diet of Sprite, ice cream sandwiches, and video games. "It's an in-house regimen that we came up with. It seems to work pretty well," Gallup said after years of keeping the tactics in secrecy, "it's really no secret. It's just common sense. Sprite-plus-ice cream sandwiches-plus-video games-equals-dynasty. How hard is that?"

Life is pretty easy for the fans of The Pimps, as they are once again the favorites to win The Package Series going away. They are assured a healthy stable of keepers and the upcoming draft poses little threat to Gallup. "I figure, even if I shit the bed at the draft, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to fleece Frieds on a couple of trades."

Projected Keepers: Albert Pujols, David Ortiz, Alex Rodriguez, Justin Morneau, Roy Oswalt.


Quietly being referred to as "Team Bridesmaid" in some circles around the league, the Baltimore Devil Jays finished another season with an unsuccessful playoff run. As disappointed as they were, the owners of the team were not completely unhappy with their team's performance. "We kind of stumbled into the playoffs (10-17 in the final three weeks), but we were still able to dash Adler's hopes of winning a championship," a team spokesbot said, "I think any owner in the league would be happy with that. The rest is gravy."

The Devil Jays are notoriously strong at the draft and always seem to put together a solid team. After landing Grady Sizemore in the first round of the 2006 draft, the Jays are more than likely to cut ties with slugger Richie Sexson who has struggled to live up to expectations since joining the squad. The addition of Sizemore and Johan Santana, coupled with returning stars Chris Carpenter, Adam Dunn, and Michael Young give the Jays a great foundation for 2007.

"This year we're setting our sights a little higher," the robot said, "This year, we want to finish with at least 110 wins. Of course, we'll probably lose in The Series to Woosta again, but everyone in the league is prepared for that at this point."

Projected Keepers: Grady Sizemore, Johan Santana, Chris Carpenter, Adam Dunn, Michael Young.


Poor Adler. Maybe for the first time in his fantasy career, he had everything going for him. His team was 43-20 after the All-Star break. He managed to get Phillies slugger Ryan Howard away from Baltimore. He had a 13 point advantage over said Devil Jays going into the playoffs. He had Lance Berkman and Lyle Overbay ON THE SAME TEAM! Alas, the Tiger Army was not able to get the job done when it mattered and Adler spent most the off-season thumbing through Baseball America looking for future #1 draft picks.

Still, the future is bright for Los Tigres. With an impressive list of eligible returning players, Adler has some decisions to make as to who he wants to see drafted by another team in the first round on draft day. There is a possibility that multiple former Soldiers will be selected by lower seeded teams before Adler gets his first selection. When alerted to this fact at the KFS Winter Meetings, an enraged Adler sprung from his seat, screamed, "You'd better not draft my fuckin' team... cock boy!" and stormed out the room.

It has been a love/hate relationship between Adler and KFS baseball in general, and for the sake of Adler and all those who know him, one can only hope it does not continue in 2007.

Projected Keepers: Lance Berkman, Ryan Howard, Carlos Beltran, Manny Ramirez, Carlos Zambrano.


As in years past, the 2006 slogan for Speedway was "Baby 'Wipes." But Ryan Friedman's squad showed they were anything but rugrats. The Wipes tallied 110 wins and ended the year with an impressive list of 20-somethings on their roster, led by Chase Utley and Miguel Cabrera who led their respective positions in scoring.

Frieds' squad took great strides in 2006 and appears well on its way to competing for the first championship in Wipes franchise history. "Every year there are a couple of speed bumps," Friedman said, "but I feel that if we can rally together, and keep from running out of gas, we should be able to cross the finish line and win the cup. CARS."

While a master of the English language and witty witticisms, Frieds has yet to come up with the proper formula for winning a KFS baseball title. 2007 should provide him with perhaps the strongest list of keepers he's ever had. Mix in some quality pitching, the aversion to the yearly questionable trade, and a little luck, and it would be n'an surprise to see the Wipes in the playoffs yet again.

Projected Keepers: Chase Utley, Miguel Cabrera, Roy Halladay, Matt Holliday, Jake Peavy.


Don't look now, but Bob Colayco's team is about to squat on the rest of the league. Now that someone actually cares about this once beleaguered franchise, the fans in Chavez actually have more to look forward to than the annual 1st or 2nd pick in the draft. After years of frustration and an countless number of trade proposals for Alfonso Soriano, Colaycoz Boyz are a hardened group of vets who pretend to never have heard of Mike Keyes.

The 2007 Squatters will feature three of the scariest sluggers in the game in Travis Hafner, Jim Thome, and Soriano. After Woosta, there might not be a greater offensive 1-2-3 punch in the league. Mix in Paul Konerko and David Wright, and who needs pitching?! This team led the league in HRs and RBI last season. But the Squatters have a decent list of hurlers to choose from as well, including Brandon Webb, Dontrelle Willis, and Rich Harden.

A candid Colayco spoke with the media during the winter meetings. "Basically, my strategy going into the draft will be to cut the guys I know I can sucker Adler and Frieds into drafting, thereby decreasing the value of their teams, and increasing the probability that I will get a quality player in the first round." That shit's so crazy... it just might work.

Projected Keepers: Alfonso Soriano, Travis Hafner, David Wright, Brandon Webb, Paul Konerko.

Leafing through the lists of high scorers for 2006 makes one appreciate just how epically bad of a season it was for Mile High and New Haven that Marshall Street finished ahead of them. Like the Mackerel and the T-Cones, there were very few bright spots for the Menace in 2006.

"I have no idea who the hell I'm going to keep," Owner Jon Watterson lamented, "Mauer is in. After that, maybe we'll have a spelling contest or something to figure it all out."

After years of dominating the Keene baseball circuit on juggernauts such as Bergeron Construction and Massielo, Watterson is finding it hard to adjust to the mediocrity of his KFS team. "I'm trying not to adjust to it," he said, "because it's unacceptable. This team used to scare people, it used to be elite. Our goal is to get back to that level sooner rather than later."

Mauer is a good start. Even if he is used as a means to acquire more talent, he will prove to be an asset for Watterson. Jason Giambi, Troy Glaus, and Barry Bonds are just a few big names with health concerns that he will have to decide on keeping before the draft. J-Dub definitely has experience and a competitive spirit on his side, but there isn't a lot of dependable talent to work with going into 2007.

Projected Keepers: Joe Mauer, Troy Glaus, Derek Jeter, Ben Sheets, Jason Giambi.


Few teams around the league had a more frustrating season than the Mackerel. From the failed keepers, to the draft, to the bitter end of the season, many Mile High faithful were left shaking their heads in a combination of shame, disgust, and amazement. Things actually started to go wrong for the Mackerel in October of 2005 when Brad Lidge lost his ability to pitch after giving up a playoff-game-winning 847 foot home run to Albert Pujols. The only thing Lidge did well in 2006 was mask his newly acquired weakness to assure his keeper status on the Makerel roster before the draft.

Lidge's colossal woes also hid the struggles of other key Mackerel keepers Miguel Tejada, Derrek Lee, Vladimir Guerrero, and Bobby Abreu... yes, those were all five of Mile High's keepers. "Draft Bust Bart" Colon flat out sucked and was a microcosm of the entire draft for the Mackerel. Other draft lowlights included Livan Hernandez and Brad Wilkerson.

Team owner Jon Bielecki has spent much of the winter with his hands over his ears shouting "LA-LA-LA-LA" in fears that sometime soon he will be forced to make more big decisions about who will comprise the 2007 squad. If the Mackerel have anything going their way it's that they should be able to expect a healthy Derrek Lee, no Brad Lidge, and an early draft pick that will definitely not be the cancerous Bart Colon. Sorry Colón.

Projected Keepers: Vladimir Guerrero, Derrek Lee, Bobby Abreu, Miguel Tejada (farewell tour?), Mariano Rivera.


Snow Birds in New Haven migrated south early this year with the success of their adopted AFL home team, the Palm Beach Squid. Attendance at Cones games hit an all-time low as owner Jeff Stanley's "Closers?! We Don't Need No Stinking Closers!" campaign flopped. The "You Must Be This Old To Make The Team" line in the locker room didn't go over very well either.

After many discussions with poker dealers, bookies, and cocktail waitresses, Stanley ultimately decided that the only thing he could do to fix the problem was to go to Vegas as many times as possible. That mission being accomplished, he was disappointed to find that his roster still did not contain anyone named Soriano, Pujols, or Ortiz.

The draft will be more important to Stanley's T-Cones than any other team this year, as virtually the entire roster must be overhauled. "I'm tired of this crap," Stanley said, "if I don't win it all this year, I'm going to start a new league. And I'm taking Adler with me. We shall be known as the LOTWHNWA, which is short for the League Of Teams Who Have Never Won Anything." Unfortunately for him and the way things are shaping up, the LOTWHNWA might be the only chance for the T-Cones and Tiger Army.

Projected Keepers: Aramis Ramirez, Jermaine Dye, Ichiro... ummm... Carlos Delgado... and... uhhh... Adam LaRoche? Gross.

Alma Mater, Stand Forever

A few words about the actions on the field of the student-athletes at my alma mater, the University Of Miami...
I was not able to see the game live in Denver, but I tried to see the highlights as soon as I heard what happened. After seeing the footage and taking in the commentary of every sports reporter capable of picking up a pencil or opening his/her mouth, I have tried to stay as objective as possible. For the most part, I agree with the majority that the suspensions were not severe enough. Anthony Reddick (a.k.a. Dat Helmet Swingin' MoFo) should be gone. Not just off the team, but out of the school. Brandon Meriweather (a.k.a Sir Stomps-A-Lot) should be suspended for the rest of the season. As my boy Adler said, "every time he stomped it cost him like ten grand (in NFL Draft money)." As for the rest: one game for anyone involved and at least two games if you came off the bench. I realize that if the Canes win out this year, they still have a shot at a BCS game, but honestly (and this is saying a lot, coming from me), I would rather they forget about wins and losses for the rest of the year and concentrate on getting the program back on track.
There is a certain swagger or cockiness that goes along with wearing "The U," but you have to be able to back it up. Right now there are ZERO players on the roster worthy of being on the same field as guys like Ken Dorsey, Edgerrin James, Santana Moss, Jonathan Vilma, and Ed Reed. Some of the aforementioned players weren't very highly recruited (Santana Moss came to UM on a track scholarship), but they were given a shot, coached correctly, and their attitude came across as deservedly confident rather than entitled cockiness.
I don't know if Larry Coker will be back next year. I feel bad for the situation his players have put him in, but at the same time he has the final say on which kids get the honor of playing for the Hurricanes. He hasn't done a very good job recruiting quality individuals. The physical talent is still there, but while the Canes of 3-5 years ago played beyond their years, the present squad seems to have all the patience and poise of a class of second graders visiting Colonial Williamsburg.
All that being said, it seems like most analysts were just waiting for the program to stumble so they could pounce. I sure many writers had their Mad Libs-style columns ready to go... insert head coach's name here, insert school president's name here... it stinks worse than Lake Osceola on a hot summer day. Of the columns I've read, Bill Curry's seems the most thought out.
The program will survive this melee, but not without scars which will never fade for some. Even after all involved parties have left the school, Miami will still be known as "Thug U" or "Convict U," which is something that, as hard as we may want to change, will always loom until a coach, athletic director, and school president are in power who are not afraid to carry out a zero tolerance policy for athletes.

Saber Haven

I was looking at the NECBL2 full standings yesterday and couldn't figure out how I'm in the overall lead. So, like any normal person would do, I calculated some stats:

TEAM	AVG	OBP	SLG	OPS		ERA	WHIP	K/9
BAL	0.286	0.356	0.489	0.845		3.68	1.26	6.86
CRV	0.284	0.369	0.516	0.885		4.25	1.31	6.24
CHI	0.276	0.358	0.469	0.827		3.60	1.17	8.64
MAR	0.289	0.381	0.478	0.859		4.01	1.28	7.19
MHI	0.286	0.368	0.475	0.843		3.76	1.22	7.16
NHV	0.269	0.334	0.433	0.767		4.68	1.36	7.77
SPD	0.276	0.345	0.478	0.823		3.90	1.21	6.72
WOO	0.286	0.359	0.496	0.855		4.10	1.35	7.13

So yeah, just like I thought...It's all Papelbon.

"...I don't know if we'll have enough time!"

50 free points to the first owner to rename their baseball team the Tewksbury Ganjabricks...