The Offseason

Or, as the rest of you probably call it, NECBL2. Sure, my first season went great. The Porn Bats (there JB, I just quadrupled this blog's hits) rolled to the regular season's best record. I don't even remember who was on my team. For some reason, I want to say I had Nomar and Miguel Tejada. That was a lot a better in '01 than it sounds now. Nevertheless, I was feared. Plus, I was the only one who understood our scoring system, so I could just add points to my team whenever I felt like it. Please. Like you had Excel back then.

Then, the team with a frigging tire tread for a logo crushed me in the inaugural Package Series (hey, that name stuck!). Robb Nen single-handedly beat me that week. The extra B is for bring your own ligaments. So then I panicked. I moved the team to a racetrack next to a nudist camp (true story) and ever since, I've been mired in mediocrity. Completely due to bad luck of course, and not horrifically poor trades and otherwise shoddy decision-making. Just look at the hitters I used to have:

• Paul Konerko
• Adam Dunn
• David Ortiz
• Mark Teixeira
• Lance Berkman
• Alex Rodriguez

Ouch. Hey at least there's 6 names there, so I would have had to let go of one of them every year anyway. Probably Ortiz. F me.

So while you guys get juiced up for fantasy baseball season, I'll be going for the second leg of the Gallup Slam over in Hoopsville. And remember to draft Barry Bonds in the first round. He's good for .410/47/95. And don't get me started on his VORP...