Somebody Add This Clown: Gary Matthews Jr.

A new column that all are welcome to add to... Basically an attempt to get anyone to bite on a player that your mouse hovers on daily.

As of today Matthews is the third highest scoring available position player behind Christian Guzman and Scott Hairston who aren't as tall as I am when one of them is standing on the other's shoulders (Yahoo says they're both 6-0, that's a load of crap). Matthews is hitting between Chone Figgins and Vlad Guerrero in the Angels lineup which means he should see a lot of RBI and run scoring opportunities. And let us not forget his 'roid enhanced 2006 campaign in which he scored 556 ECB points. Somebody add this clown.

ECB 2008: Week 1 Recap

Some quick hits about the week that was in ECB...

Squatters 345 / Mackerel 396.7

Recap: Mile High took it's opening series thanks mostly to heroic pitching efforts from Roy Halladay and Ben Sheets on Sunday afternoon. Going into the day, it looked like the Mackerel were in trouble, but the Fish put up 130 points which gave them the second highest score of the week. Mile High was helped by a poor hitting performance by L.A., the only team in the league to finish the week without scoring 200 points.

Looking Ahead: I get to eat crow or rub it in after Week 2 as my Mackerel take their 7-week regular-season win streak against Week 1's highest scoring team, the surprising (at least to me) Marshall St. Menace. Bob moves on to play Baltimore in an early season battle for last place.

Starwipes 375.7 / Tiger Army 368.7

Recap: The Curse Of Mark Teixeira will have to wait a few more weeks to wreak havoc on the Starwipes as they were able to take the opening series from the team with which they caused so much quasi-controversy before the season began. Led by Hitter O' The Week Chase Utley (39 points), the Wipes' hitters were able to carry the load as the pitching staff put up a less-than-impressive 118.2 points. Adler's Army has yet to get going with the sticks as they finished ahead of only L.A. in offensive points.

Looking Ahead: Frieds will look to build on his opening win when his squad takes on Ffej's Traffic Cones. It could turn out to be a slug-fest as Speedway and New Haven finished 1-2 in offensive points in Week 1. Adler will look to turn things around against the team he loves to hate, Woosta.

Traffic Cones 364.2 / Pimp Roostas 383.7

Recap: Ffej's T-Cones kept it just close enough against the Pimp Roostas to hold Rich's squad to a 5-4 victory. The Roostas didn't wow offensively, but got the job done on the bump as they put up the third highest pitching total of the week which more than made up for the 29 points they were outscored offensively. Still, once the struggles of David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez dissipate, this team should have no problems scoring points on the offensive end. Chad Cordero and Erik Bedard having health issues could have been the difference in this series for Ffej, so this 4-5 loss could be chalked up to bad luck depending on how much you like Rich's team.

Looking Ahead: Round 1 of The Battle For Who Loves The Red Sox More takes place in Week 2 as Rich's Roostas take on Adler's Army. An early peek shows that Rich will probably have 4 2-start pitchers against only 2 for Adler... We'll see if quantity wins over quality a week from now. The T-Cones take on Frieds' Baby Wipes in a match-up that's got NASCAR references written all over it for next week's recap.

Devil Jays 347.2 / Menace 404.3

Recap: In the surprise of the week (did I already say that?), Watts' Menace hung an Atlanta area code on Grashow's Devil Jays (DosBot is dead). Looking ahead to Week 2, Jake Peavy peed on Ben Sheets' 56.2 points by dropping 63.5 points of his own and taking home the Pitcher O' The Week award. If Week 1 is any indication, Watts' pitching will be the strongest part of his team. The Devil Jays got the worst of the Week 1 DL bug as they had to put J.J. Putz and Pedro Martinez on the shelf, but they had to be encouraged by the numbers put up by Rick Ankiel, Alex Rios, and Justin Upton (32, 28, and 25 points respectively).

Looking Ahead: As previously stated, Watts and I are going toe-to-toe in Week 2 in the second installment of the Who's The Better Jon Series; Watts has the early lead by taking out Grashow, but Class of '98 has not yet begun to fight. Grashow's squad looks to rebound against the Squatters who also took a tough Week 1 loss against the Mackerel.

2008 ECB Draft: A Retrospective

Another ECB draft is in the books and clearly everyone wants to know what JB thinks about it. First of all, I would like to express my extreme regret for my tardiness on Sunday, but god damn, apparently a dude's gotta be ready and chatting at least 25 minutes before the start of the keeper rounds to prove he's still alive, otherwise his cellie runs out of memory from all the texts and voicemail he receives. I've drafted before, boys. I know where the pre-rank button is. And if you must know, I was playing tennis, didn't draft from my own computer, and still had a better draft than Watts. What. Okay, on to the round-up.

The 2008 cast of keepers was a pretty solid group, but as always, some keepers' sole job was to remind their owners not to repeat their bad-to-fuckin'-terrible 2007 draft. We all love to jack with Yahoo!'s ADPs by picking sure-fire keepers like David Wright and Carlos Lee well before they would be taken in an average Yahoo! draft, but some players had no business being drafted in the Top 40. I guess what I'm trying to say is, in my opinion, the 2008 ECB draft was very important for New Haven and Marshall Street.

Watts led off the draft with a surprisingly strong pick in Jake Peavy. I'm too lazy to do the research, but I remember back when Watts' teams were better than average they had formidable pitching. It seemed like he was going to try to re-establish that persona until his third pick came around (Huston Street). Ffej literally had me thinking that someone had fucked up the keeper rounds when he took Brandon Phillips. I'm not sure what his thinking was there, but Phillips wasn't anywhere on my radar for the first few rounds. The rest of the first round went pretty true to form. Sitting in the eighth slot, I wasn't expecting guys like Magglio Ordonez, Manny Ramirez, and Justin Morneau to get to me. I kind of enjoy drafting at the end of the line because a lot of the decisions are made for me by the rest of the league. I was debating on whether I should take Alex Rios or my eventual pick of Nick Markakis. When Grashow took Rios, I got to spend the next three minutes pining over Vernon Wells.

My reasoning for taking Wells? He's usually on Rich's team. Speaking of Colonel Rice, he had a very Pimpy draft. In fact, almost every team in the league seemed to draft guys that fit the persona of their team. Half-crazies like Manny, K-Rod, and Rickie Weeks wound up in Woosta. Young'ns Alex Gordon, Jeff Francoeur, and Matt Cain went to the Wipes. Adler kept things in Chi-town with Paul Konerko, Carlos Zambrano, and Bobby Jenks. Personally, I look at my roster and seen n'an guys that make me think "why did I draft that douchebag?" Can the same be said for Watts when he sees Joakim Soria? I leave that to him.

Some picks I loved...

• Ryan Garko (Speedway, Round 22) - For some reason I got to see a lot of Garko games last year towards the end of the season. I think with a healthy and productive Hafner in front of him, Garko could put up some big power numbers. A good pick by Frieds as Garko would not have made it back to him in Round 23.
• J.J. Putz (Baltimore, Round 8) - Had he not finished 2007 on Adler's team, there's a good chance he would have been a keeper somewhere else.
• Brad Penny (Chicago, Round 17) - This dude carried my pitching staff last year, so I'm not sure why I let him slip this far. I have no problem with him playing in Chicago though, Penny would probably be 8-Ball's favorite player if he knew who Penny was.

... and some I thought were... well... bad.

• Brian McCann (Keeper, Marshall Street) - I still don't get why Watts needed to keep two catchers. I realize McCann scored only two less points than Melky Cabrera last year, but with only one C-spot to fill, questionable health for all catchers, and Joe Mauer already in tow, I think Watts should have kept a guy like Chris Young (the hitter) and let someone else have McCann. I just think it would have been a more efficient roster move. But that's just me...
• Chone Figgins (Round 11, New Haven) - I'm never going to like small-ball guys in this league. Never ever. "But JB, your team led ECB in Offense and steals last year, what are you talking about?" Shut up.
• John Lackey (Round 12, LA of A) - Sorry Bob, but I have a bad feeling that Lackey's going to put up B.J. Ryan-esque numbers this year.

So if no one were to make any moves all year, who do I think would win? Hell if I know, but I'll tell you who I think will join me in the playoffs...

• Chicago Tiger Army. Adler's hitting his stride with this league and he won the Frieds lottery this year. It'll be tough to screw up that lineup, but it's been done before.
• Woosta Pimp Roostas. I'd be a fool to think that a team with Pujols, A-Rod, and Papi would miss the playoffs two years in a row.
• Los Angeles Squatters of Anaheim. I don't think I'm the only owner who would like to see Bob's team make the playoffs. This team was really bad for years and Bob has stuck to his guns and put a lot of work into turning the franchise around.

2008 Draft Preview: Chicago Tiger Army

Announced Keepers

Ryan Howard, Mark Teixeira, Carlos Beltran, Hunter Pence, Lance Berkman

Off-Season

Well, it finally happened. After years and years of hard work and several near-misses, Adler finally has some proof that, at least sometimes, he does not suck. So after winning his first-ever championship what does the Tiger Army owner have in store for an encore? How about a controversial pre-draft trade of a pick for a keeper for starters? Adler was able to steal switch-hitting slugger Mark Teixeira from the Speedway Starwipes for a 13th round pick. The addition of Teixeira gives the Tiger Army three of baseball's premier switch-hitters. Rumor has it that Adler is now eying Jimmy Rollins of the Mackerel and Jose Reyes of the Pimp Roostas in hopes of one day putting together an entire roster of switch-hitters.

Draft Outlook

With the core of this once directionless team now securely in the hands of Da Yung Bux (Ryan Howard, Hunter Pence, and Teixeira), Adler can afford to take some chances on draft day. Although he'll be losing a 13th round pick, as one ECB owner pointed out, "I'll probably wind up cutting everyone after my first three picks anyway." True statement. The addition of Teixeira and the legendary draft-prep done in Chicago means that Adler's Army has to be considered one of the top teams again in 2008, with a legitimate shot to make a run at a repeat.
SIXTH ROUND PICK (5): Justin Morneau

Changes

Let's open this up to something that is no longer just a KFS blog. Now we can talk about real sports and get into it with homers like these guys.

New names and slogans are welcomed. It took me all of 2 minutes to come up with the new name.

I'm also going to throw in some back-dated blogs of mine, just for shits.

There's Only One Sucktober!

[Plugged In To: The Chemical Brothers / Surrender ]

I apologize for the continued sports themes of my latest entries, but sports tends to run my life for the last half October. I swear I'll get back to the juicy gossippy-type stuff in short order. But the Rockies are in The Series, so really what else is there to talk about?

Speaking of those purple-clad suckbags... What better reward for your community of loyal fans than to make them lose at least six hours of productivity over a two day period by staring at a screen that counts backwards from 120? What better reward? How about a 13-1 bitch slapping by the team that 99% of "experts" say will win The Series.

I was in the company of many Rockies fans while watching the game and I was still embarassed. Now I get to listen to my cellie blow up to the tune of the arrogant rants of all my Red Sox friends. Joy.

All that being said, I think they take Game 2 and things go back to normal.

Great Team, Poor Taste

Over the past few weeks the Colorado Rockies have received many accolades due to their record setting run up to and thus far in the Major League Baseball playoffs. As a Rockies fan and someone who has watched this team closely all year, I feel it is my duty to point out a weakness that could lead to their downfall. The flaw is simple and it is glaring. The Rockies players' theme songs must be changed if we are to defeat the Indians/Red Sox in the World Series. It might not be easy for some players to hear, but like that time your mom made you change before you left for school with the "I HEART VANILLA ICE" shirt on, sometimes your loved ones are forced to stop you from making an ass out of yourself.

With that said, here are some songs that might make us look a little cooler on national TV. I'll also do my best to list what the Rockies are rockin' to presently...

1. Willy Taveras
   Current Song: Unknown. Yeah by Usher was previously used.
   JB Suggests: Suavemente by Elvis Crespo. First let me go on record by saying that I fucking hate this song. When I was at school, it was impossible to avoid it when out in public. However, Willy is big on merengue and he does play ball very suavemente. It's just too bad I couldn't find a good merengue song called "Rapido" or "Me Gusta Bunting."
   
   
2. Kaz Matsui
   Current Song: It's Tricky by Run-DMC
   JB Suggests: Keep it. It's amazing to me that a guy like Kaz would pick such a cool song as his intro music. In fact, I refuse to believe it. He probably brought over an import CD from Japan and it didn't work in the CD player at Coors Field, so they just picked something else for him. It definitely works though, no reason to change it.
   


3. Matt Holliday
   Current Song: The Great Divide or similar song by Scott Stapp. Yes, that Scott Stapp.
   JB Suggests: Holiday by Green Day. The Rockies actually used this song for a Holliday montage on the jumbotron last season and it totally kicked ass. I'm not sure of Holliday's political views, and perhaps the fact that it's an anti-GOP song would make him want to steer clear of it... If I were him I'd rather have a Bush-bashing song than one sung by a dude who enjoys having oral sex with Kid Rock in the room. Just a personal preference. Also a comment to all of you fans of big money teams out there: You don't really want a player on your team that like Scott Stapp, do you? That should knock his asking price down a little bit when he becomes a free agent, right? Can we keep him? Please?
   
   
4. Todd Helton
   Current Song: Back In The Saddle by Aerosmith
   JB Suggests: Rocky Mountain Way by Joe Walsh. At this point, trying to get Mr. Helton to break his vanilla ways is pretty much impossible. In fact, it seems that many Helton fans embrace the fact that he doesn't have much personality, at least not on the field or with the media. These are the same folks that were lobbying so hard for the Rox to choose Rocky Mountain Way for their playoff theme song. It seems like a good marriage. Helton still gets to have a song that's kind of lame and everyone who thinks it's cool will go nuts because Mr. Rockies chose it as his theme.
   
   
5. Garrett Atkins
   Current Song: The Way I Are by Timbaland
   JB Suggests: G.A.M.E. by The Chain Gang. A little vain, yes, but it works. It really fits the whole babysitter/golfer persona he's created for himself.
   
   
6. Brad Hawpe
   Current Song: Rockstar by Nickelback
   JB Suggests: Icky Thump by The White Stripes. For some reason I think Hawpe's song should always be the most current kick-ass rock song on the radio. Right now that's got to be the catchy title track of Jack White's new record.
   
   
7. Troy Tulowitzki
   Current Song: I'm A Flirt by R. Kelly
   JB Suggests: It Takes Two by Rob Base and/or Points Of Authority/99 Problems by Linkin Park & Jay-Z. I think I remember Tulow saying that he's a big Jigga fan. I know all the squares in Denver would be covering their virgin ears when the words "if you got girl problems, I feel bad for you son. I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one," came over the P.A., but that's the price one must be willing to pay if you want dudes from the trendy coastal states. Honestly, I don't think Tulow even has 9 problems, but of those he does have, I'm sure "a bitch" isn't one of them. I can see him rockin' out to this song in the clubhouse before games. The safer bet for the Coors Conservatives would be the house party staple It Takes Two by Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock. "Tu"low... he wears the number two. That's the kind of subtlety Rockies fans love.
   
   
8. Yorvit Torrealba
   Current Song: Unknown.
   JB Suggests: Guerreiro by Curumin. I'm a little rusty on my Portuguese, but I believe guerreiro translates to warrior. I would take Yorvy in a basebrawl against almost any catcher in the league. He seems like the kind of guy that would go loco on your cabeza. Why not go ahead and make the pitcher aware of that fact before Yorvy steps to the plate?
   
   
9. Ryan Spilborghs
   Current Song: The Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani
   JB Suggests: Song 2 by Blur. It's pretty obvious that the guys from SoCal get together and actually put some thought into what song they're going to choose. Spilly definitely has all of Coors Field singing along when he comes to bat, so it's hard to argue with his choice. WEEEE OOOO! Still, when combined with Holliday and Tulow's choices, this puts the team a little too close to a child molester, a sex addict, and Hollaback Girl for my liking. He could get the same reaction using Blur's Song 2. WOOOOO HOO! See?
   


10. Jeff Francis
    Current Song: Angels Of The Silences by Counting Crows
    JB Suggests: Taking Care Of Business by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. Because he's Canadian and he takes care of business. Again with the subtlety.
    


11. Manny Corpas
    Current Song: Impacto by Daddy Yankee
    JB Suggests: Sí Señor by Control Machete. I hate to sound like I'm stereotyping here, but it seems like a lot of Latino players are using Daddy Yankee songs lately. If the powers that be at Coors Field added a few huge subwoofers to each section and they played this track... I guarantee Corpas' entrance in the 9th would have everyone in the house bouncin'.
    


12. Josh Fogg
    Current Song: Slow Ride by Foghat
    JB Suggests: A fog horn. Don't get me wrong, The Fogger strikes me as the kind of guy who knows his music and the fun that can be had when one must choose 10 seconds of a song that best describes oneself, hence the Foghat. But how cool would it be if the P.A. announcer said "Now pitching... Number 37... Josh... Fogg..." and they just blasted a freaking fog horn? That would rule.
    
    
13. Brian Fuentes
    Current song: For You by Staind
    JB Suggests: Love Rollercoaster by The Ohio Players. My fellow Rox fans and I have adopted a new tradition when Fuentes trots out of the bullpen. We go "click-click-click-click-click" and then act like we're on a roller coaster. That pretty much sums up what our emotions are like when the Rox decide to buy the ticket for Mr. Fuentes' Wild Ride. Why not embrace it in song? We love you Brian. No... yes.

¡Viva Los Rockies!

[Plugged In To: Ben Harper / The Will To Live ]

A brief re-cap of my weekend...

Thursday, 10/11: Left work a wee bit early to take part in happy hour at Rock Bottom. It just so happened that Game 1 of the NLCS was on television that evening. It also just so happened to be the night they tapped the new stock of beer, so it was free from 6:00 til 6:30. Niiiice. Got a nice buzz going, the Rockies won, and I played softball. Didn't get to sleep until 1am. That wouldn't have been a problem except...

Friday, 10/12: Woke up at 4:00am to meet Jeff to go to the airport. Our destination: Vegas. I flew standby, so I got a middle seat and maybe 25 minutes of sleep on the plane. Got to Vegas, rented a car, and drove to Phoenix for Game 2 of the NLCS. The Rockies won again and we drove halfway back to Vegas. I went to bed a little after 4:00am (Pacific) meaning I was awake for 25 hours.

Saturday, 10/13: Woke up at 8:30am and drove the rest of the way to Vegas. Saw my Hurricanes choke away my first wager of the weekend. They are awful. Made more wagers on the Tribe/Indians game and won a few bucks. Got a prime rib dinner at 3:30am. Stayed up until after 5:00am.

Sunday, 10/14: Slept in and hung out for most of the morning watching football. Cursed the Bengals and Titans for ruining my parlay. Went to The Mirage for the Rockies game and had LITs thrown at us like they were going out of style. The Rockies won. Meandered down to the MGM and got some more drinks. Made an old lady feel really uncomfortable while sitting at a slot machine. It was her own fault for eavesdropping. Stayed up until 2:30am.

Monday, 10/15: Walked around Vegas for most of the day. Had a delicious lunch at Mesa Grill. Played 2 bucks on slots at Bally's and won 20, enough for a cab ride to the airport. Also got a free Corona. Got a ride from DIA to my car by the world's most disgruntled cabbie. Got home around 9:00pm. Changed into Rockies gear. Pondered going downtown, thought against it, then figured I would regret it if I didn't go. Went to Swanky's and watched the end of the game. Went outside and watched people go absolutely nuts. Gave a homeless junkie 1 dollar for a boob job in exchange for a light of a cigarette. Bought my NL Champs tee. Met Jeff and Monique for celebratory libations at Pat's. Walked around LoDo soaking it all in for about a half hour... got home around 2:00am.

Tuesday, 10/16: Very tired.

Top 10: Mocking Myself

I'll be honest, I haven't really been prepping for the draft as well as I have in years past. Of course, the time-invested-to-quality-pick ratio that I displayed last year pretty much indicated that I wasted my time. It's always hard to judge Spring Training, so I try not to pay attention. The problem is that baseball is my favorite pro sport, so I can't stay away from it. The results of the column reading and box score research that I do pre-season have produced the likes of Jay Gibbons, Brad Wilkerson, and Daniel Cabrera as fantasy picks. That Gabe Gross pick I made in 2005 wasn't a humor pick. He was supposed to be my draft steal. That all vanished when the Blue Jays sent him to AAA. This year don't be surprised if I grab any of the following players:

Daniel Cabrera - I... can't... stop... Seriously, if this guy ever wins more than 12 games, it had better be for my team.
Garret Anderson - G.A. was a cornerstone of my teams when I was in college. Apparently he's healthy this year. Which means I should expect big numbers again. Which I will expect. And probably not get.
Troy Tulowitzki - He's the next great thing in this town. And he's got an awesome Polish name to boot. Besides, why have only one fantasy player on my hometown team, when I can have two?
Aaron Harang - No one else will take him. I can almost guarantee it.
Dan Uggla - I don't even like this guy. I guess I have a soft spot for him just because everyone on Yahoo! says he's going to suck, when in fact it is they who suck.
Khalil Greene - So my hybrid SS/MI could be named Khalil Tulowitzki. I have just decided that my first born son shall be named Khalil Tulowitzki Bielecki.
Kenny Rogers - Just the kind of somewhat decent, undesirable pitcher that would wind up on my team. Ooo, he's having a good spring. The dude is 43, Bielecki. He ain't gonna have a breakout year.
Felix Hernandez - I usually make one pick every year with the sole purpose of drawing the envy of the rest of the league. At least until Week 2. I (or whoever takes 'Lix) will be that person.
Raul Ibanez - The hitters' version of Aaron Harang. He is also the son-in-law of the lady I worked for at UM.
Roger Clemens - Everyone's got to have him as their 25th pick. I have him as my 24th.

JB's Offseason Report: Because Basketball Doesn't Count

With KFSers all over the nation trudging through the fantasy sports sewage pipeline known as January through March, it is not uncommon for one to lose the drive to care about our collective addiction. But fear not, because Yahoo! Fantasy Baseball signups are just days away. With that in mind, it's time to take a look at the off-season headlines from around the league:


Another year has passed and another expansion must be made to the "Championship Wing" of the Gallup Estate. The Pimps of Worcester captured their third baseball championship and proved yet again that it is NOT impossible to win with Albert Pujols, David Ortiz, and Gay-Rod... and Jose Reyes and Justin Morneau... and Vernon Wells... and Roy Oswalt and Frankie Rodriguez. The KFS Ownership Committe has submitted a new challenge to the Pimps in 2007: "We bet you can't lose! Prove us wrong!"

Unlike fellow 2006 KFS champs, the Denver Shalhoubs, the Pimps did not spend their championship off-season in Thai whorehouses getting fat, old, and decrepit. Instead, Owner Rich Gallup kept his players on a strict diet of Sprite, ice cream sandwiches, and video games. "It's an in-house regimen that we came up with. It seems to work pretty well," Gallup said after years of keeping the tactics in secrecy, "it's really no secret. It's just common sense. Sprite-plus-ice cream sandwiches-plus-video games-equals-dynasty. How hard is that?"

Life is pretty easy for the fans of The Pimps, as they are once again the favorites to win The Package Series going away. They are assured a healthy stable of keepers and the upcoming draft poses little threat to Gallup. "I figure, even if I shit the bed at the draft, I'm pretty sure I'll be able to fleece Frieds on a couple of trades."

Projected Keepers: Albert Pujols, David Ortiz, Alex Rodriguez, Justin Morneau, Roy Oswalt.


Quietly being referred to as "Team Bridesmaid" in some circles around the league, the Baltimore Devil Jays finished another season with an unsuccessful playoff run. As disappointed as they were, the owners of the team were not completely unhappy with their team's performance. "We kind of stumbled into the playoffs (10-17 in the final three weeks), but we were still able to dash Adler's hopes of winning a championship," a team spokesbot said, "I think any owner in the league would be happy with that. The rest is gravy."

The Devil Jays are notoriously strong at the draft and always seem to put together a solid team. After landing Grady Sizemore in the first round of the 2006 draft, the Jays are more than likely to cut ties with slugger Richie Sexson who has struggled to live up to expectations since joining the squad. The addition of Sizemore and Johan Santana, coupled with returning stars Chris Carpenter, Adam Dunn, and Michael Young give the Jays a great foundation for 2007.

"This year we're setting our sights a little higher," the robot said, "This year, we want to finish with at least 110 wins. Of course, we'll probably lose in The Series to Woosta again, but everyone in the league is prepared for that at this point."

Projected Keepers: Grady Sizemore, Johan Santana, Chris Carpenter, Adam Dunn, Michael Young.


Poor Adler. Maybe for the first time in his fantasy career, he had everything going for him. His team was 43-20 after the All-Star break. He managed to get Phillies slugger Ryan Howard away from Baltimore. He had a 13 point advantage over said Devil Jays going into the playoffs. He had Lance Berkman and Lyle Overbay ON THE SAME TEAM! Alas, the Tiger Army was not able to get the job done when it mattered and Adler spent most the off-season thumbing through Baseball America looking for future #1 draft picks.

Still, the future is bright for Los Tigres. With an impressive list of eligible returning players, Adler has some decisions to make as to who he wants to see drafted by another team in the first round on draft day. There is a possibility that multiple former Soldiers will be selected by lower seeded teams before Adler gets his first selection. When alerted to this fact at the KFS Winter Meetings, an enraged Adler sprung from his seat, screamed, "You'd better not draft my fuckin' team... cock boy!" and stormed out the room.

It has been a love/hate relationship between Adler and KFS baseball in general, and for the sake of Adler and all those who know him, one can only hope it does not continue in 2007.

Projected Keepers: Lance Berkman, Ryan Howard, Carlos Beltran, Manny Ramirez, Carlos Zambrano.


As in years past, the 2006 slogan for Speedway was "Baby 'Wipes." But Ryan Friedman's squad showed they were anything but rugrats. The Wipes tallied 110 wins and ended the year with an impressive list of 20-somethings on their roster, led by Chase Utley and Miguel Cabrera who led their respective positions in scoring.

Frieds' squad took great strides in 2006 and appears well on its way to competing for the first championship in Wipes franchise history. "Every year there are a couple of speed bumps," Friedman said, "but I feel that if we can rally together, and keep from running out of gas, we should be able to cross the finish line and win the cup. CARS."

While a master of the English language and witty witticisms, Frieds has yet to come up with the proper formula for winning a KFS baseball title. 2007 should provide him with perhaps the strongest list of keepers he's ever had. Mix in some quality pitching, the aversion to the yearly questionable trade, and a little luck, and it would be n'an surprise to see the Wipes in the playoffs yet again.

Projected Keepers: Chase Utley, Miguel Cabrera, Roy Halladay, Matt Holliday, Jake Peavy.


Don't look now, but Bob Colayco's team is about to squat on the rest of the league. Now that someone actually cares about this once beleaguered franchise, the fans in Chavez actually have more to look forward to than the annual 1st or 2nd pick in the draft. After years of frustration and an countless number of trade proposals for Alfonso Soriano, Colaycoz Boyz are a hardened group of vets who pretend to never have heard of Mike Keyes.

The 2007 Squatters will feature three of the scariest sluggers in the game in Travis Hafner, Jim Thome, and Soriano. After Woosta, there might not be a greater offensive 1-2-3 punch in the league. Mix in Paul Konerko and David Wright, and who needs pitching?! This team led the league in HRs and RBI last season. But the Squatters have a decent list of hurlers to choose from as well, including Brandon Webb, Dontrelle Willis, and Rich Harden.

A candid Colayco spoke with the media during the winter meetings. "Basically, my strategy going into the draft will be to cut the guys I know I can sucker Adler and Frieds into drafting, thereby decreasing the value of their teams, and increasing the probability that I will get a quality player in the first round." That shit's so crazy... it just might work.

Projected Keepers: Alfonso Soriano, Travis Hafner, David Wright, Brandon Webb, Paul Konerko.

Leafing through the lists of high scorers for 2006 makes one appreciate just how epically bad of a season it was for Mile High and New Haven that Marshall Street finished ahead of them. Like the Mackerel and the T-Cones, there were very few bright spots for the Menace in 2006.

"I have no idea who the hell I'm going to keep," Owner Jon Watterson lamented, "Mauer is in. After that, maybe we'll have a spelling contest or something to figure it all out."

After years of dominating the Keene baseball circuit on juggernauts such as Bergeron Construction and Massielo, Watterson is finding it hard to adjust to the mediocrity of his KFS team. "I'm trying not to adjust to it," he said, "because it's unacceptable. This team used to scare people, it used to be elite. Our goal is to get back to that level sooner rather than later."

Mauer is a good start. Even if he is used as a means to acquire more talent, he will prove to be an asset for Watterson. Jason Giambi, Troy Glaus, and Barry Bonds are just a few big names with health concerns that he will have to decide on keeping before the draft. J-Dub definitely has experience and a competitive spirit on his side, but there isn't a lot of dependable talent to work with going into 2007.

Projected Keepers: Joe Mauer, Troy Glaus, Derek Jeter, Ben Sheets, Jason Giambi.


Few teams around the league had a more frustrating season than the Mackerel. From the failed keepers, to the draft, to the bitter end of the season, many Mile High faithful were left shaking their heads in a combination of shame, disgust, and amazement. Things actually started to go wrong for the Mackerel in October of 2005 when Brad Lidge lost his ability to pitch after giving up a playoff-game-winning 847 foot home run to Albert Pujols. The only thing Lidge did well in 2006 was mask his newly acquired weakness to assure his keeper status on the Makerel roster before the draft.

Lidge's colossal woes also hid the struggles of other key Mackerel keepers Miguel Tejada, Derrek Lee, Vladimir Guerrero, and Bobby Abreu... yes, those were all five of Mile High's keepers. "Draft Bust Bart" Colon flat out sucked and was a microcosm of the entire draft for the Mackerel. Other draft lowlights included Livan Hernandez and Brad Wilkerson.

Team owner Jon Bielecki has spent much of the winter with his hands over his ears shouting "LA-LA-LA-LA" in fears that sometime soon he will be forced to make more big decisions about who will comprise the 2007 squad. If the Mackerel have anything going their way it's that they should be able to expect a healthy Derrek Lee, no Brad Lidge, and an early draft pick that will definitely not be the cancerous Bart Colon. Sorry Colón.

Projected Keepers: Vladimir Guerrero, Derrek Lee, Bobby Abreu, Miguel Tejada (farewell tour?), Mariano Rivera.


Snow Birds in New Haven migrated south early this year with the success of their adopted AFL home team, the Palm Beach Squid. Attendance at Cones games hit an all-time low as owner Jeff Stanley's "Closers?! We Don't Need No Stinking Closers!" campaign flopped. The "You Must Be This Old To Make The Team" line in the locker room didn't go over very well either.

After many discussions with poker dealers, bookies, and cocktail waitresses, Stanley ultimately decided that the only thing he could do to fix the problem was to go to Vegas as many times as possible. That mission being accomplished, he was disappointed to find that his roster still did not contain anyone named Soriano, Pujols, or Ortiz.

The draft will be more important to Stanley's T-Cones than any other team this year, as virtually the entire roster must be overhauled. "I'm tired of this crap," Stanley said, "if I don't win it all this year, I'm going to start a new league. And I'm taking Adler with me. We shall be known as the LOTWHNWA, which is short for the League Of Teams Who Have Never Won Anything." Unfortunately for him and the way things are shaping up, the LOTWHNWA might be the only chance for the T-Cones and Tiger Army.

Projected Keepers: Aramis Ramirez, Jermaine Dye, Ichiro... ummm... Carlos Delgado... and... uhhh... Adam LaRoche? Gross.

Alma Mater, Stand Forever

A few words about the actions on the field of the student-athletes at my alma mater, the University Of Miami...
I was not able to see the game live in Denver, but I tried to see the highlights as soon as I heard what happened. After seeing the footage and taking in the commentary of every sports reporter capable of picking up a pencil or opening his/her mouth, I have tried to stay as objective as possible. For the most part, I agree with the majority that the suspensions were not severe enough. Anthony Reddick (a.k.a. Dat Helmet Swingin' MoFo) should be gone. Not just off the team, but out of the school. Brandon Meriweather (a.k.a Sir Stomps-A-Lot) should be suspended for the rest of the season. As my boy Adler said, "every time he stomped it cost him like ten grand (in NFL Draft money)." As for the rest: one game for anyone involved and at least two games if you came off the bench. I realize that if the Canes win out this year, they still have a shot at a BCS game, but honestly (and this is saying a lot, coming from me), I would rather they forget about wins and losses for the rest of the year and concentrate on getting the program back on track.
There is a certain swagger or cockiness that goes along with wearing "The U," but you have to be able to back it up. Right now there are ZERO players on the roster worthy of being on the same field as guys like Ken Dorsey, Edgerrin James, Santana Moss, Jonathan Vilma, and Ed Reed. Some of the aforementioned players weren't very highly recruited (Santana Moss came to UM on a track scholarship), but they were given a shot, coached correctly, and their attitude came across as deservedly confident rather than entitled cockiness.
I don't know if Larry Coker will be back next year. I feel bad for the situation his players have put him in, but at the same time he has the final say on which kids get the honor of playing for the Hurricanes. He hasn't done a very good job recruiting quality individuals. The physical talent is still there, but while the Canes of 3-5 years ago played beyond their years, the present squad seems to have all the patience and poise of a class of second graders visiting Colonial Williamsburg.
All that being said, it seems like most analysts were just waiting for the program to stumble so they could pounce. I sure many writers had their Mad Libs-style columns ready to go... insert head coach's name here, insert school president's name here... it stinks worse than Lake Osceola on a hot summer day. Of the columns I've read, Bill Curry's seems the most thought out.
The program will survive this melee, but not without scars which will never fade for some. Even after all involved parties have left the school, Miami will still be known as "Thug U" or "Convict U," which is something that, as hard as we may want to change, will always loom until a coach, athletic director, and school president are in power who are not afraid to carry out a zero tolerance policy for athletes.

World Cup: T-Minus Ten

[Plugged In To: LAUNCHcast: My Station ]

With a little more than a week left until the kickoff of the World Cup, I am fully ready and amped to cheer on the U.S. MNT (Men's National Team) for the next month and change. "But-- but JB, soccer is boring and sucks a lot." Give it a chance, I say.

Over the past several weeks I have been spending much of my down time at work doing my research on the sport. That includes, but is not limited to: thorough breakdown of several team rosters, figuring out who the best players in the tournament are and watching appropriate highlights (thanks YouTube), watching Fox Sports World Report, keeping up with the news, and catching as much of the U.S. friendly matches as I could.

I casually followed the happenings in the English Premier League last season, but in a relatively short amount of time, I have come to have a new appreciation for the sport. My boy J-Mazz and I were all about the World Cup in 2002, but I have a feeling it will be on a whole new level this time around. I'm not going to get into specifics as to why I think I now like soccer, but if you know me, and you respect my knowledge of sports as a whole, you won't give me any crap. I've done my research, and yes, soccer is legit in my book.

I'm going to try to use the World Cup as an excuse to start updating a little more regularly, so that alone should be reason for the five of you that check this on a regular basis to respect the game a little.

12 Things About Week 1

1. Losing your first week builds character... or so the Devil Jays would have us believe.
2. Adler's wins need to get a lot more impressive if he's going to live up to the hype created by Frieds. He won 7-2, but would have lost to anyone else. Including ME!
3. Ffej has stopped caring about KFS entirely.
4. I still hate the Yankees... but now for either losing or winning by 8+ runs.
5. Bartolo Colon and Livan Hernandez are still just big fat Jugs machines.
6. Maybe the Braves WON'T win the NL East this year.
7. Maybe the Rockies WILL win the NL West.
8. Speaking of the NL West, I hope none of us ever have to have a nerve removed from any of our elbows.
9. Adler thought Chris Shelton was black.
10. I still think Khalil Greene is black.
11. How weird does the Red Sox lineup look this year? J.T. Snow?
12. It turns out Matt Murton ISN'T this year's Clint Barmes. The rest of the league is safe from Woosta... for now.

I'm Cheating On You!

That's right KFS-aholics, there's a new fantasy game in town. She's young, beautiful, and does all the things for me that you refuse to do. Finally, those of us who wanted to take the next step with fantasy sports are going to be able to do so... but honestly, it's a little scary.

Yes, we have tossed around ideas about doing an auction, keeping more players, and adding money to the mix. Over the course of the past couple of days, all of that came to fruition and them some in the form of gamedayritual.com. When looking at the trial section of the website, it looks awesome. It's got a great layout, a ton of features, and takes care of the keeper issue by itself. But after reviewing the biblical players' guide, it's a little scary. Like enrolling in a class that is a little over your head, it's hard to keep straight how the league actually works and what it's going to take to be successful. Maybe that's why we're having a hard time filling the league, because it's scaring people away.

In any case, I'm excited to see how it all plays out. I think the extra features, like being able to customize a stadium (distances, wall heights, elevation, etc.) that directly affects how your team performs, add a layer of fun and strategy to the game that will outweigh the initial frustration of not knowing what the hell is going on. So, at least for right now, the Denver Bighorns have taken the spotlight from the Mile High Mackerel.

Have You Seen My Baseball (Teams)?

Here is my ultimate 2006 baseball team; players at every position that I own to start the year on all of my teams. Aside from the KFS league, I went with a Colorado steroid theme for all my team names: Mile High Mackerel (MHI), Colorado Clear (COL), Rocky Mountain Roids (ROC), Aurora Andro (AUR). All four leagues have different scoring formats. Here are the highlights:

Catchers
Kenji Johjima (MHI)
Javy Lopez (COL)
Jorge Posada (ROC)
Josh Willingham (MHI)

First Basemen
Derrek Lee (MHI, AUR)
Richie Sexson (ROC)
Mark Teixeira (COL)

Second Basemen
Jeff Kent (ROC)
Mark Loretta (MHI)
Brian Roberts (MHI)
Rickie Weeks (COL, AUR)

Third Basemen
Garrett Atkins (MHI, COL, ROC)
Hank Blalock (MHI)
Troy Glaus (ROC)

Shortstops
Clint Barmes (COL)
Orlando Cabrera (AUR)
Khalil Greene (AUR)
Miguel Tejada (MHI, AUR)
Omar Vizquel (AUR)


Outfielders
Bobby Abreu (MHI)
Lance Berkman (COL)
Brian Giles (AUR)
Luis Gonzalez (MHI, AUR)
Vladimir Guerrero (MHI)
Ichiro (COL)
Manny Ramirez (ROC)
Gary Sheffield (AUR)

Starting Pitchers
Mark Buehrle (COL)
A.J. Burnett (ROC)
Daniel Cabrera (MHI, COL)
Roger Clemens (COL)
Bartolo Colon (MHI)
Felix Hernandez (COL)
Tim Hudson (ROC)
Pedro Martinez (ROC)
Matt Morris (MHI, AUR)
John Patterson (COL)
Mark Prior (AUR)
John Smoltz (MHI, AUR)
Carlos Zambrano (COL)

Relief Pitchers
Brad Lidge (MHI, AUR)
Joe Nathan (MHI, AUR)
Mariano Rivera (MHI)

Obviously I love Garrett Atkins. In the Aurora league put-outs count for points, which is why I have so many seemingly shitty shortstops.

Everyone's Team Sucks

With a bottle of Grey Goose at my side, I sat down for another fantasy baseball draft, fully prepared to let my drafting policies follow my sobriety. The 2006 version of the annual meeting of NECBL2 owners had all the major surprises one would expect from an honest to god competitive fantasy league, not the least of which was that there were n'an surprises in the first five rounds. Still, I went to sleep last night, woke up this morning, and Adler still drafted Andy Pettitte and Roger Clemens. I'll break the draft down in the following sections...

Rounds 1-5: Keepers Kept

For once, the keeper rounds went smoothly. It turns out that Stanley wasn't kidding when he said he was keeping Chone Figgins and I was kidding when I said I was keeping Jonny Gomes. I love how the draft starts and it's hard to keep up with the chat line, then as the final round of the re-draft starts people start to disappear a little bit. I'll admit I was scrambling up until the first pick... but we're not there yet.

Worst Keeper: Chone Figgins (New Haven Traffic Cones)
Riskiest Keeper: Ryan Howard (Baltimore Devil Jays)

Rounds 6-10: Hello... Again...

The rounds following the keeper rounds saw many familiar faces walk across the stage. Some players shook hands with familiar owners, while others are going to try on new team colors in 2006. Carlos Beltran openly wept as he was drafted #1 overall by Steve Adler's Tiger Army, officially ending his chances of ever making the playoffs. Yahoo!'s rankings and draft guesstimates were completely thrown out the window by NECBL2 owners, which I love. Here are some examples of why our league is awesome: Bonds and Sizemore going in Round 6, Jeff Kent going to New Haven, and Watts essentially drafting the same guy twice (Brian Giles & J.D. Drew). Funston be damned, I say!

Weirdest-Looking New Uniform: Hank Blalock (Mile High Mackerel)
Most Obvious Pick: Jeff Kent (New Haven)

Rounds 11-15: Adolescence

Is it just me, or are rounds 11 through 15 a pretty good representation of years 13 through 18 in life? It seems like some of us don't know what we're doing, we wind up making bad decisions, and we try to hang-out with "the cool kids" even though they'll be working at K-Mart in 5 years. What the hell was up with these picks? Round 11, Livan Herandez. Round 12, Cliff Floyd. Round 13, Jeremy Hermida, Jason Giambi, and Randy Winn. Round 14, Trevor Hoffman and Julio Lugo. Round 15, Placido Polanco and Eddie Guardado. And I've already stated that I'm refusing to believe that Adler took Andy Pettitte even though he tried to hide it by taking Jason Varitek 2 seconds later. I'm not saying those were all bad picks, mind you, but I know I hate looking at my cheat sheet and saying to myself "damn, I have to draft Livan Hernandez, don't I? This sucks."

Most Likely To Be Done By May: Tie. Josh Beckett (Chavez Ravine Squatters), Cliff Floyd (New Haven), & Ken Griffey, Jr. (Woosta Pimp Roostas)
Quietest Pick: Mark Prior (Woosta)

Rounds 16-20: The Plot Thickens

Like Adler at a bar at 2am, most owners seem to loosen their standards as to who they are willing to take chances on as the evening progresses. Rookies and old-timers alike were given chances to play in the big show and owners around the league thanked Stanley for only pre-ranking 125 players. There was a good mix of age in almost every round of this group, and I commend owners around the league for making some shrewd picks. There was a rookie or a second-year player drafted in every round as well as veterans with upside such as Roger Clemens, Jim Thome, Armando Benitez, Javy Lopez (who was later cut, for some reason), Torii Hunter, and Pudge Rodriguez.

Pick That Signaled Stanley Was Done: Scott Podsednik (New Haven)
Man-Crush Of The Year: Steve Adler on Lyle Overbay (Chicago Tiger Army Of New York)

Rounds 21-25: I Don't Care Anymore

Rounds 21 through 25 are a lot like rounds 16 through 20, except they're not as good and the last one doesn't count. Frieds drafted a guy who in currently in AAA, Rich drafted Rocco Baldelli, and I hit that Bong... hahahahahahahahahahahah!

Best Chance To Not Get Cut: Freddy Garcia (Marshall St. Menace)
2006 Best Name Pick: Yorman Bazardo, who will probably win the Cy Young this year (Woosta)

Never Take Sides Against My Family

One of the aspects about fantasy sports that adds to its addictive nature is the sense of ownership that is developed by having the same group of players on a team for several consecutive years. For me, players like Bobby Abreu, Miguel Tejada, Brett Favre, and Tony Gonzalez have shaped the personalities of my fantasy baseball and football teams for several years. Much like a hometown bias towards one's favorite franchise, I seem to have developed an extreme sensitivity towards negative remarks made towards these players.

Case in point, the article written today by two RotoWire columnists in which one of the contributors tells us how much he has devalued Abreu and Tejada. They proceed to go back and forth via e-mail seemingly for days.

First of all, I think almost everyone in the Keene Fantasy Sports family is just as qualified as those tea bags to write for a fantasy sports rag like RotoWire or even Yahoo!, so I usually take what these guys say with a grain of salt. Just a few weeks ago another writer from another website wrote an article in which he valued Abreu higher than Jason Bay.

Still, for some players that I've owned for a long period of time, when amateur writers dig on them, I feel like I have to defend their honor as if I was their agent or publicist. Is this normal behavior around the league? In my opinion, the biggest conflict of interest in KFS leagues is in Woosta where Red Sox-friendly owner Colonel Rice relies heavily on Alex Rodriguez to continue his dominance of fantasy sports. Does the Colonel feel like he needs to defend A-Rod when he is repeatedly called a choke artist or Slappy McBlue-Lips? Or is ignorance bliss?

You're A Tea Bag: Erik Kuselias

Congratulations to Erik Kuselias for being the inaugural Tea Bag. For those who don't know, Mr. Kuselias is a radio host for ESPN. Sometimes he fills in for Mike Greenberg on Mike & Mike In The Morning, but for his normal gig he hosts a show called The SportsBash, which on from 4:00 p.m. - 7:00 p.m. ET. That time slot just so happens to fall directly during my ride home (in Mountain Time) . Therefore, I am blessed with the honor of listening to him since my car's CD player is broken. Apparently the guy grew up in Connecticut, but for the longest time I mistook him for arrogant Long Island trash similar to the dumbass I found myself rooming with during my first semester in college (no offense, Cohen, you don't fall into that category, but I'm sure you know the trash of which I speak). I understand that it's the job of a radio host to incite conversation and convince listeners to stay tuned through the commercial breaks, but this guy does it in the most infuriating and obnoxious ways. He is also never wrong, unlike his callers and e-mailers who are almost always wrong unless they contact him with the sole intention of stroking his oversized ego.

Recently, he has sided with pro-sports villains the likes of Terrell Owens and Alfonso Soriano and has openly criticized those who disagree (including ESPN reporter Ed Werder, who covers the Cowboys for a living). I'm no fan of the Cowboys, but when several of his e-mailers suggested that they were not going to renew their season tickets because of the Cowboys' signing of T.O., Kuselias pretty much called them liars in so many words. He also told listeners that the only thing that matters in sports is winning and money, and if you think there's anything more than that, you couldn't be more wrong.

After reading his bio (in which they misspell his last name), it's plain to see that there's not much at all to like about this gentleman... but what do I know? I don't host a radio show.

Erik Kuselias: ESPN personality, lawyer, PhD , Mensa member... Tea Bag.

Adler Goggles: Wily Mo

What we see:

Pena batted .254 with 19 homers and 51 RBIs last season and struck out 116 times with 20 walks. A 24-year-old right-handed hitter, he could play right
field instead of lefty Trot Nixon when left-handers pitch against Boston.

What Adler sees:

Pena batted .254 with 19 homers and 51 RBIs last season and struck out 116 times with 20 walks. A 24-year-old right-handed hitter, he could play right field instead of lefty Trot Nixon Steve Adler when left-handers pitch against Boston.

Madness Is Goodness

Okay, so when I posted last week and said that last week was the most wonderful time of the year, maybe I jumped the gun a little bit. The first weekend of the NCAA basketball tournament officially ushers us into Spring. By the time a champion is crowned, baseball season will be upon us and fully challenging me to get outside and do anything constructive. For many years I was nuts about the tournament, here are some quick memories:

• Getting "sick" in high school for the first couple of days of the tournament.
• Spending all of the days leading up to that in school pining over brackets at the expense of my education. As fate would have it, I was actually preparing for life in the working world.
• Watching March Madness at Midnight Madness at the Keene YMCA. It was madness, for lack of a better word.
• Burning a UConn pennant after their victory over Duke. It was given to me as a present by a friend of mine who went to UConn.
• Rigging an entire box of aluminum foil to my TV antenna in college so I could more clearly see though the haze of static that blanketed Miami's local CBS affiliate.
• Three words: "One shining momennnnnt..."

I'll admit, I've become less of a basketball fan in general than I was a few years ago. I blame the NBA and it's lenient draft entry policies which I believe thins out talent at the pro and college levels. Still, we all know that there are few things in sports that are as universally addictive as filling out an NCAA bracket and following your picks through at least the first two rounds (depending on how you do). Today, I proud to say that this year, finally, I have become one of the millions of employees across the nation who is blowing my company's money by watching the tournament at work. Ahhh, America.